A Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to his new command in a desert
outpost.  On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy-looking camel
tied out back of the Enlisted men's barracks.  He asked the Sergeant leading
the tour, "What's the camel for??"

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men
have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel..."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right
with me."
After he had been at this new outpost for about 6 months, the Captain couldn't
stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, and led the camel into the Captain's
quarters.  The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex
with the camel.  As he stepped down, very satisfied, from the stool, and was
buttoning his pants, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do
it???"...

The Sergeant replied, "Not exactly, sir...They usually just ride it into
town...!!!"

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that
suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them
to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go
because if they didn't, the rope would break and all
of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the
woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she
would give up her life to save the others, because
women were used to giving things up for their
husbands and children and giving in to men.

All of the men started clapping.

This elderly couple is watching one of those
television preachers on TV one night. The
preacher faces the camera, and announces,
"My friends, I'd like to share my healing
powers
with everyone watching this program. Place
one
hand on top of your TV & the other hand on
the
part of your body which ails you & I will
heal you."

The old woman has been having terrible
stomach problems, so she places one hand on
the television, and her other hand on her
stomach.

Meanwhile, her husband approaches the
television,
placing one hand on top of the TV. and his
other
hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's
talking
about healing the sick, not raising the dead.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male  pharmacist.  The
woman at the counter said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her
sister owned the store, so there were no male employees there.  She then
asked what she could do to help.  The man said "this is embarrassing for me,
but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and
embarrassment.  I was wondering what you could give me for it?"  The
pharmacist said, "just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."  When she
returned, she said, "the best we can do is one third ownership in the store
and $3,000. a month living expenses."


An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on
a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the
boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with
you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw
material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree
branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came
from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or
hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the
island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the
hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

 After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone
walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the
woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only
stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with
each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.
Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How
about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down
on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in
the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell
necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been
out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's
something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something
you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his
eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in
luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from
here??"

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end
up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he
notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a
shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The
man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to
mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the
man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You
can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting...

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in
your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there
is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor ...

"You rotten bastard", says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack
and you're running around naked scaring the kids"!!!


One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White
House and said, "Dad! Mom!  I have some great news for you! I am getting
married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and
his name is Matt."
      After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside.
      "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been
married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a
lot.  Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry
him."
       Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually
started dating again.  
A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me
to marry him! We're getting married in June."
 Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the
sad news.  
"Robert is your half-brother too, Honey.  I'm awfully sorry about this."
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell
her.
 "Dad has done so much harm.  I guess I'm never going to get married,"
she complained.
      "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my
half-brother."
 Hillary just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what he says
dear.  He's not really your father." 

Two men are talking at work. The first one says: Women are crazy. My
wife bought a microwave, but we haven't got electricity. He sighs when he
thinks about how stupid she is, when the other says: My wife is much more
stupid.. She went to Greece with a whole package of condoms, and she hasn't
got a cock!!

 It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
 spending the day at the zoo.  She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
 pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.   He's wearing his normal
 jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.  As they
 walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large
 hairy gorilla.

 Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.) He jumps
 up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts
 and pounds his chest with his free hand.   He is obviously excited at
 the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement,
 thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow
 some more.  The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her
 bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even
 more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

 Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall  to show a
 little more skin.  She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars
 down.

 "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he
 says
 .... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing  flips.

 The husband then nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the
 cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

 "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."


Chain Letter for Women Only


   This letter was started by a woman like yourself in the hopes of
   bringing relief to other tired, discontented women.

   Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost you anything.  Just
   send a copy of this letter to twelve of your friends who are equally
   frustrated.  Then bundle up your husband or partner, send him to the 
   woman whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to 
   the bottom of the list.  When your name comes to the top of the list 
   you will receive 16,877 men.  One of them is bound to be a hell of a 
   lot better than the one you already have.

   Do not break the chain.  One woman broke the chain, and got the old
   son-of-a-bitch back again.

   At this writing, a friend of mine already received 384 men.  They
   buried her yesterday, but it took three undertakers to get the smile 
   off her face, and two days to get her legs together, so they could 
   close the coffin.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a 
young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. 
The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. 
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." 
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. 

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, 
"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" 
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest." 
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest. 

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, 
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" 
The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. 
The second week I had to sleep on the couch 
for a couple of nights but, yep we made it." 
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest. 

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, 
"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" 
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," 
the young man replied sadly. 
"What happened?" inquired the priest . 

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped 
it" said the young man. 
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took 
advantage of her right there." 
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our 
church" stated the priest. 

"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket 
anymore either"

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifed from 
 politics to cooking.

 "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
 
 "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
 
 "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 
 'Take a clean dish'".

Good Skin
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.  The woman's
face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was so skinny.  The husband then
donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor
was from his buttocks.  The husband requested that no one be told of this,
because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new
beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!  All her
friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She
was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he
did.  She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for
me!  There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough everytime
your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!



Staff
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men.  Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you
limit your employees to married men?  Is it because you
think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.  "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to
being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut
and don't pout when I yell at them."

In the Garden of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" 

	"What's the problem, Eve?" 

	"Lord, I know You've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and
	all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm
	just not happy." 

	"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. 

	"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." 

	"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." 

	"What's a 'man', Lord?" 

	"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
	ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all,
	he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more
	muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about
	and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and will help to populate the Earth." 
	
	"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. 

	"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. But, you
	can only have him on one condition." 

	"What's that, Lord?" 

	"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Divorce
The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.
Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony
settlement.
"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just
being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still
believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the
door for her out of chivalry."
"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the
settlement  Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely.  I simply cannot
believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door
- while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."

Bill and Fred
Submitted by Helen Gurr
Two men were lost on an outback trip.  They got sick of each other and
decided to split up and spend a day apart and meet back at their
makeshift base that evening.

When they met up, they compared notes - Bill reported that he had a
lovely day looking over a treed valley, sipping a bottle of wine he had
taken with him and meditating on the meaning of life.

Fred boasted that his day was much better - he had wandered along a
train track and found a most beautiful woman tied to the tracks.  After
untying and rescuing her, they made love in every way possible.  Bill
was envious that Fred had such a great day and asked, "Did she give you
a blow job?"  Bill replied, "No, I couldn't find her head"

Approach
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other 
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after 
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. 
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go 
into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. 
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. 
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into 
the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' 

....and she's always sound asleep. 

Short for
 Two guys and a woman were sitting at a bar talking 
 about themselves.
 The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE...you know...Young, Urban,
 Professional."
 The second guy says, "I'm a DINK...you know...Double Income, No
 Kids."
 They asked the woman, "And you?"

 She replied, "I'm a WIFE...you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."



Stutter
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "DDDDDoc, I've 
bbbeen stuttterrrering for yeeears, and IIII'm tired of it. 
Caaaan yoooou hellllp me?" 
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's 
going on." 
So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is." 
The guy asks, "Weeell wwwhat is it, dddoc? 
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and 
all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords." 
The guy asks, "Wwwhaat caaan we dddo?" 
The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one." 
The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!" 

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into 
the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't 
stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. 
My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. 
I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on." 

The doctor says, "NNNNope.....AAAA ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!! 

Twisted
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, 
when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted 
like a corkscrew. 
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before." 
"Like what?" Martin said. 
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said. 
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. 
"Straight, like normal," Gary said. 
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said. 
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a 
shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do 
that for?" Martin said. 
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal." 
"&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it." 
Improved
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got 
me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of 
the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, 
gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock 
market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so 
drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good 
enough for me."

Big problem
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem
doctor."

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see
what the  problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

Dating
These three women were roommates. One night they all had all 
gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. 
The blonde said, "You know you've been on a good date when 
you come home with your hair all messed up." 
The brunette said, "No, you know you've been on a good date 
when you come home with your makeup all smeared." 

The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed 
her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. 
She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!" 


Sexual Frequency
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on 
an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began 
discussing their home lives. 
"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman 
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crépes and she 
told me how much she adored me." 

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian 
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omeletto and 
told me she could never love another man." 

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, 
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" 

"Once," he replied. 

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she 
say to you this morning?" 

"Don't stop." 


Blow job
A guy goes to a prostitute, and asks her what she charges for a blow job. 
She replies, "100 dollars". 

He says, "Ok", and whips out his penis and starts to masturbate. 

She yells, "Hey, what the hell are you doing?". 

He replies, "For a hundred bucks, you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?"