Dumb women...
Three guys were sitting in a bar. The first guy said, "My wife is so dumb,
she carries a garage-door clicker in her car and we don't even have an
automatic garage door."
The second guy said, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna
on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."
"The third guy said, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purseful of rubbers,
and she doesn't even have a cock."
Kilts
A beautiful lass was noticing a Scotsman in full regalia at a parade.
Shy but curious, she approached him and asked, "Is it true, what they
say about what Scotsman do not wear beneath their kilts?" The Scotsman
replied, "Well, lass, you'll just have to take a wee peek and discover
for yourself." She timidly lifted the hem and peered beneath. Immediately,
she dropped it and said, "Aye, 'tis gruesome!" To which he replied,
"Best look again, lass, I think it's grew some more!"
Different stories
Submitted by Petra J
"Girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now.
One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few,
then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their
respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays
over.
Her story:
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about
it,but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to
this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer
him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something, so I ask him
and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab
back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around
me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't
say it back or anything so when we get back to his I'm wondering if he's
going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on
the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10
minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and
so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he
thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else ???
His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later."
African diplomacy
The new American ambassador was being entertained by an
African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had
received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
"The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus
we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."
The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game."
The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette.
If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to
play. I'II show you how."
He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built,
nude women were ushered in.
"You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told
the American. "That's great," the ambassador said. "That doesn't seem much
like Russian roulette."
"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
Losing weight
A chubby bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact
that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he
sees is an advertisement for a "Guaranteed" weight loss program.
"Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what
they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes
to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around
her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have
me." Well, without a second thought he takes off after her. A few
miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his
way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a
nod, "I like the way this company does business."
For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure
enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat
slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment," he
calls the company back and subscribes to their 5-day, 20-pound
weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days
seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout"
schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When
he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing
but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply
stunning and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the
door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while
to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze.
He is really looking forward to the next four days....For the next
four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time,
much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and,
unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company,"
he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and
so much fun!"
Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
subscribe to the company's 7-day, 50-pound weight loss
program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good
in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically
answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man
dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He
introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The
sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
Complaining wife
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending
all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw
his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip
from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how
you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm
out enjoying myself every night!"
Photo
Husband : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the
office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Husband : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem can there be greater than this one?"
Last wish
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak
about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died,
Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
`Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three
envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have
instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money
to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with
such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very
comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for
a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought
all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to
buy a nice stone.'
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"
showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
Portrait
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist....
....."Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. "
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my
husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want
his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.
Oh Lord...
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a
problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy
snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?", comes the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all
he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and faster and more
muscular than you, he'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball
about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the
sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But
you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
After the honeymoon...
A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that
they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and
asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first
night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow
without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure
your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been
saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this
though. She gave me $20 change!"
Just like the old days
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places
they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded
countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running
along the road.
The woman said,
"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and
they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like
That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
The defendant
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the
defendant, "you came home from work early and found your
husband in bed with a woman."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you get a pistol
and shoot your husband, killing him."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your husband and
not his mistress?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a
different woman every day!"
Perfect gift
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and
he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She
has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she
wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a
certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any
way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella
did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my
suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on
the mouth, and ran out the door yelling—I'll see you in two
hours!"
Christmas party
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke
up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly
unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way
downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was i
t as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You
made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing
the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of
the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he
fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Approach
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and
yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's
butt and say, 'Lets do it!'
....and she's always sound asleep.
One boob
Ever since I started puberty and observed the other girls in
the gym class locker room, I knew I was different -- I only
had one boob on my chest. My chest boob was perfectly aligned
in the center, but I soon found out in gym class that not having
two boobs on my chest was an anomaly. I got a doctor's note to
withdraw from gym class, and I gradually withdrew from all
extracurricular highschool activities, such as dances, pep rallies,
and even dating. I finally met a guy I thought I could like.
His name was Percy, and he was the captain of the chess team.
He was so mild-mannered and eloquent, I felt he would accept me
no matter what. He asked me to the homecoming dance, and I agreed
to accompany him. After the dance, we went out and sat in his car.
At first, he was a perfect gentleman, but after a while, our teen
hormones got the best of us, and I allowed him to feel me up. He got
his hands up under my blouse, felt my chest boob, and asked me,
"What's this? You've only got one tit!"
I responded, "Well, I do have another, but it's down at my crotch."
He groped in my panties and felt it, then leaned back and laughed. "God
damn! You've got a tit where your pussy oughta be! Ha ha ha!"
So, I raised my arm, and pissed on him.
Remarried
A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who
laughingly remarked:
"I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your
husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
Buying a present
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise
by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated,
but the girls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked.
He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked.
"Twenty dollars."
"Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he
hadn't the faintest idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape
fruits? Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust
resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you
ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"
Help me Doc!
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to
help me. My penis is orange."
The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop
his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's
penis isn't orange! Doc tells the guy, "This is very
strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by
a lot of stress in a person's life."
Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc
asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks
ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause
of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was
a real butthole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime
every week and I had no say in anything that was
happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago
where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid
double what I got on the old job, and the boss is a
really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the
guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well,
I got divorced about eight months ago."
The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for
all of the guys stress.
But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was
nag, nag, nag. Darn, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit
at home, watch some porno flicks and munch on
Cheetos!!"
Don't laugh
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've
got this problem you see, only you've got to promise
not to laugh".
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh! That
would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty
years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis
he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at
first, then uncontrollably. Several minutes later he
manages to compose himself and wipes the tears
from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient,
"I don't know what came over me, I won't let it
happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says,
"It's swollen."
Enjoying sex
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know
one another and started bantering back and forth about
male / female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports,
who were the better entertainers, etc.
The flirting continued for more than an hour when the
topic of sex came up.
So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point,
even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for
their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished
making his point.
Confident in the strength of his argument, the man
awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this - When your ear itches and you
put your little finger in it and wiggle it around,
then pull it out, which feels better
- your ear or your finger?
The Gifts
One day, the Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," the Lord
said. Adam looked at the Lord and said, "Well, give me
the good news first." Smiling, the Lord explained, "I've
got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will
allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have
intelligent conversations with Eve."The other organ I have
for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical
pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent
life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy
that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam,
very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts that You
have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after
such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and
said with great sorrow, ...........
"You will never be able to use these
two gifts at the same time."
Sexual statistics
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He
asks her about it and she replies.
"This is a very intersting book about sexual
statistics. It identifies that American Indians
have the longest average penis and Polish men have
the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name
is Jill. What's yours?
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.
Four-time bride
A woman, getting married for the fourth
time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a
white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales
clerk, "You've been married three times
already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride.
"Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not.", the bride explained,
"My first husband was a psychologist. All
he wanted to do was talk about it.
"My second husband was a gynecologist. All
he wanted to do was look at it.
"My third husband was a stamp collector....
God I miss him."
"If I died"
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after
a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her
wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take S down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
Who do I look like?
A married couple sleepily awoke one Saturday morning. The wife
rolled over and inquired, "Are you going to mow the lawns today?"
The husband replied, "Who do I look like - Jim's Mowing?"
Not being quick to give up, she continued, "How about mending the
TV aerial then?"
"Who do I look like The Antenna Man?" he sarcastically replied again.
She sighed, and he got up and went off to his golf game.
When he returned home, the antenna was fixed and the lawn mowed.
"Who the hell did this?" the husband asked, flabbergasted.
"The Antenna Man and Jim's Mowing" the wife replied, smiling smugly.
"How did you afford it?" the husband inquired, becoming nervous.
"Well, they said I could either bake them each a pie or give them a
blow-job." Said the wife.
"So what sort of pies did you bake?" the husband continued, a little
more relieved.
The wife replied, "Who do I look like - Sara Lee?"
Betty-Sue
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and
smacks! him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He says, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue'
written on it."
He says, "Jesus, honey...remember last week when I went to the track?
'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him
and smacks! him on the back of the head with the frying pan again.
He says, "What was that for?"
She says, "Your horse called."
Sliding
A couple's having dinner in a restaurant when their waitress,
standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the
way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him
seems to not notice.
The waitress comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think
your husband just slid under the table."
The woman says, "No, he just walked in the door."
Anniversary
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate
their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and
says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you.
It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked
like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75
years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever
hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I
must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the
eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes,
yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife
was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his
eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first
as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says "You".
Tampons
Submitted by MyHotBox
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the
salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that
he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down
the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were
looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like
this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
Genie II
Submitted by strmchasr
A lady was walking along the beach and finds a genie's lamp (typical
start.. sorry :/>)
She rubs the lamp.. and behold - a genie appears...
The genie tells the lady that she is the 6th person to rub his lamp that
morning and he would only grant her one wish...
So the lady thinks for a bit.. and then says "well.. I have never been
to hawaii.. However, I get sea sick on boats and i am scared of flying.
So genie.. i wish for a bridge to hawaii."
The genie.. face aghast.. says "Do u have any idea what u are asking
for??? - All the concrete.. the steal.. the engineering.... no!!.. I
just can't grant it.. It's too much. But... You are still allowed to
a wish"
The lady thinks for a while and then goes "Well.. my husband says I
don't understand him.. and all 5 of my ex-husbands said the same..
So genie.. i want to know what makes a man tick.. what motivates him,
how he feels deep inside, how his mind works....."
The genie sighs... and mumbles
"would you like that bridge 2 laned or 4?"
Blonde fugitive
Submitted by nick
Two women and a man escaped from prison. They ran for miles
until they came upon an old barn; they decided to hide in the
hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three sacks
and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the
barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the
hayloft.
When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw.
The deputy told him "just three sacks". The sheriff then told him
to find out what was in them.....so the deputy kicked the
first sack, which had the first woman in it......and she went
"Bow-wow" so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the
first one.
Then he kicked the one with the second woman in it and she went
"Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second
one.
Then he kicked the one with the man in it and there was no sound
at all, so he kicked it again, and the man said "Potatoes."
Creation
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman,
"Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?" She said,
"Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" God snapped his
fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast
in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?" And
God created man.
Night out
Submitted by BJ Carter
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He
stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely
drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way
up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear
end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty
pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken
glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he
didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing,
he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure
enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired
the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to
bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting,
and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good
story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you
go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered
last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this
morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
THE STRANDED ENGINEER
Submitted by BJ Carter
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of
his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last.
A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost
instantly. The engineer found himself, he knew not how, swept
up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere
to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked
around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was
it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best
of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut
juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his
rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his
beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the
corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around
the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4
months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in
the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She
spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming
to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him In
disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from?
How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.
I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank".
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had
survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the
rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat
wash up with you? "It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat
didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then," said the engineer,
"how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw
material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars
were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from
Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
tree". "But, but," he asked, "what about tools and hardware, how
did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the
south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial
rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in
my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools,
and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that,"
she said. "Where do you live?" The engineer was forced to
confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row
over to my place," she said.
So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully
woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm
tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and
white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down
please, would you like to have a drink?" "No," the engineer said,
"one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut
juice," the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina
Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the
man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman
asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," he
replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the
cruise ship." "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's
razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, no longer
questioning anything, he went upstairs to the bathroom. There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end
inside of a swivel mechanism. He shaved, showered and went
back down stairs. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I will
go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short
time, the woman returned wearing vines and fig leafs
strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. She
beckoned for him to sit down next to her. She said "You know,
we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing
right now, something you've been longing for all these months?
You know......" she stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what
he was hearing: " You mean -- ?", he replied,
"-- I can check my e-mail from here???"
Lost
Submitted by MsPhys@aol.com
A guy was going to visit his friend in another city, but he got lost so he
found a phone booth and called him and asked him if he could pick him up. His
friend said, "No problem, just look around for a street sign and tell me what
it says and I'll be right there."
So the guys looks around and tells him, "Okay, I'm at the corner of 'Walk' and
'Don't Walk.'"
And his friend goes, "Dude, you're right outside my apartment!"
Corn
Submitted by THE HUFF FAMILY
a man and a woman get married, and she brings home a hope chest. On their
wedding night the man asks, What's in the chest? the woman says I tell you
on our 50th wedding annvisery. Every night the man asks the same thing, and
gets the same answer. Finally, on their 50th wedding annversiary the man
asks, What's in the chest? The woman says, Ok. You can see now. She opens
the chest and in it are 3 ears of corn and 50,000 dollars. The man asks
What is the corn for? the woman replies Everytime I had sex with someone
else stuck an ear of corn in here. The man mulls over it and says, Well,
after 50 years three aren't that bad. Then he asks What is the 50,000
dollars for? the woman says, Everytime I got a bushel I sold it.
Behind
A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several
years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that
women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now
walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one couple
for an explanation.
"This is marvelous !" said the journalist. "What enabled women
here to achieve this reversal of roles since the last time I was
here ?"
Replied the Kuwaiti man: "Land mines !"
What got him
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one nite.
"My grandfather lived to be 96."
"Ninety-six ? What finally got him ???"
"Liquor and women."
"Well, that just goes to show ya," snickered the one guy, "both'll
get you in the end."
"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards the end,
Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just laid down and died."
Lazy
We sometimes wonder if there are any limits to a man's laziness.
I once heard two men talking.
One said, "I'm thinking of going to Australia. The news says that
someone's discovered a diamond mine in the Outback where they sit
all over the ground. All you have to do is bend down and pick them
up." They other guy looked at his friend and said,
"Bend down?"
Hardware
Not all dumb men are mechanically inclined. A friend tells me a story
about the guy who went to the hardware store and bought a chainsaw. The
next day he brings it back.
"What's the matter?" says the clerk.
"You told me this saw would cut down ten trees in an hour. It took me all
day yesterday to chop down ten trees."
The clerk says, "Let me look at it." He takes the saw and pulls the
starter cord. The thing starts right up with a deafening sound, a loud
angry buzz. The customer puts his fingers in his ears and shouts to the
clerk, "What's making that noise?"
Scales
A man and a woman go into a drug store to pick up a prescription. While
they're waiting, the man climbs on one of those old-fashioned scales
some of them have. He puts in a quarter and out comes a card that says,
"You are a thoughtful, considerate, kindhearted, and good with children."
Very smugly, he hands the card to the woman. She reads it and says, "It
didn't get your weight right, either."
College
Some freshman college kids are sitting under a tree at their beautiful
state university talking about their classes.
Says one young woman, "I can't believe it. My calculus course has to be
the hardest course in the world."
"Get over yourself," says her girlfriend. "You should try my theoretical
physics class."
"You have got to be joking," says a young man there on a football
scholarship. "You call that stuff hard? You should try my class. Have
you ever heard of something called subtraction?"
Numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?"
"A jack," says the kid.
Married life
A woman who just got married ran into a friend on the street one
day, and the friend asked her how her marriage was going.
"Not good. He eats like a pig, he never takes a bath, and he leaves his
dirty clothes all over the house. He makes me so sick I can barely eat."
"Well," says the friend, "why don't you leave him?"
"I will," says the first one. "But I want to lose another 12 pounds first."
Skimpy skirt
A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt is at the bus stop.
When the bus arrives and the doors open, she tries
to climb the steps. However, her skirt is too tight
and her legs can't move. So she reaches behind her and undoes
her zipper a little.
She tries to step up again, and still can't, so she reaches
behind again and plays with the zipper some more.
She tries to climb the steps again -- still no luck.
So as she's reaching behind again, a pair of strong hands
pick her up and place her on the top step.
"What do you think you're doing?!" she indignantly asks the guy
behind her. "Well, I figured, by the second time you undid my
fly we were at least good friends!"
"The Fireman"
A fireman comes home from work and is all excited.
He just can't wait to tell his wife the good news about a
new system that they have down at the station.
"Honey!" he says, "you're not going to believe this!
Down at the station we have this new system and it's so
great. When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.
When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and
jump in the fire truck. When Bell #3 goes off we speed to
the fire in the fire truck," he excitedly tells his
wife.
Triumphantly he says, "We're going to do the same thing
for our sex life! When Bell #1 goes off we are
going to strip naked. When Bell #2 goes off we will jump
into bed. When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our
brains out.
Let's give a test run. OK, ready?
Bell #1!" (they strip naked)
"Bell #2!" (they hop into bed)
"Bell #3!" (they start screwing their brains out).
A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming,
"Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!"
The husband confused says, "Bell #4? What's that?"
The wife screams, "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching
the fire!!!"
Wedding day
On his wedding day, the groom walked down the isle with a
big grin on his face. His best man said "I know this is your
wedding day but I've never seen you with such a big smile"
The groom whispered "I just got the best blow job I've ever had"
As the bride walked down the isle she too grinned from ear to ear.
Her bridesmaid said to her "I know this is the happiest day in your
life but I have never seen you with a bigger smile.
To which the bride whispered "I've just given my last blow job"
In the bar
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes
over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that
he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she
begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face
with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."
The Sperm Bank
A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the fucking safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies, "we don't have any money,
this is a sperm bank."
"Don't argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off"
says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she's opened the
safe door the guy says "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."
"But it's full `of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink," it he says. She pulls the cap off and
gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out
another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the ski
mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.
"There," he says "it's not that fucking difficult is it?"
Wedding night confessions
Wedding Night Confessions
A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.
Before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a
confession to make; the reason that they have not been intimate
is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel
the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for
a while and said he does not mind she is flat because sex is not
the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turns to the girl and says
that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his
waist, he's built just like a baby. If the girl wanted to cancel
the wedding, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for
a while and said that she does not mind, because she also believed
there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy that they were so honest with each other and
continue to Las Vegas where they were married. In their motel on
the wedding night, the girl took off her clothes... sure enough,
she is as flat as a washboard. Then, finally, the guy takes off his
clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted
dead away and fell to the floor.
After she regained her senses, the guy asked; "What's the matter,
I told you before we got married; why did you faint?"
The girl replied, " You told me it was just like a baby."
The guy responded; " Yes, that's right: 8 pounds and 21 inches!"
Super Bowl
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his
company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes
the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's
closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty
seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides
to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around
the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks
the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting
here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible!
Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl
and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the
first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in
1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you
find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Cheating
A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend.
The phone rings, and he hears her say, "Uh-huh... sure, wonderful.
Okay... Uh-huh. Yep. That's fine.. I understand. Okay, bye..."
She turns to her lover and says, "That was John. Don't worry,
he won't be home for hours; he's out playing cards with you."
Bar hopping
Submitted by Debbie
These two guys lived on the street and had just spent the last of their
money. They figured the only thing they needed to stay alive was beer,
but they needed a plan to get some. One guy(lets call him Sam) came up
with the idea they could go in the bar, have a beer, and before the
waiter asked them for money, the other guy(he's Bob) would take a hot
dog and stick it in his pants while Sam got on his knees and sucked it.
That way they would be thrown out without paying. This worked for
several bars until Sam complained his knees were getting sore. "You're
telling me", said Bob, "My dick is sore." "What do you mean"said Sam?
"Yea," Bob said,"I lost the hot dog about five bars back."
Sex Life
Submitted by Kris Faria
When God was finished creating man and the animals, he called
them together to pass out attributes. When He came to the sex
item on His list, He said to man, "Man, I will grant you 20
years of a good sex life." Man thanked God and stepped to the
side while God addressed the next in line, the monkey.
"Monkey, I gave man 20 years of a good sex life, so I will give
you 20, too." The monkey scratched himself and after a little
thought said, "Thanks very much, God, but I really need just
10. I don't live as long as man." Man immediately raised his hand
and said, "God! God! I'll take the 10 years he doesn't want!" God
said, "Okay, monkey doesn't want it, so it's yours."
Then God came to the lion. "Lion, I offered man and monkey
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