While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the
Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she
took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the
woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and
you didn't wave once."
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on
her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow
to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror
on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there's a bright flash...
and his legs fall off.
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless
panties. She went home and donned the new garment, then selected
a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came
home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs.
"Honey, would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly.
"Hell no!" he gasped, "Look what it's done to your underwear!"
Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."
Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is.
I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
Wife: "In the pool."
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking
beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged
at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"
Rex's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance
company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn
insured for fifty-thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance
doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of
what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied,
"Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up
beside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. With a smug grin he shouted over,
"So ... out looking for a little, huh?"
She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you.
Now, I'm out looking for a LOT!"
Nature has many laws that hold fast and true. For example, a baby ape
will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become
an adult baboon. A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig. A baby
jackass will always become a jackass. A puppy quickly matures into a
dog; a mongrel pup develops into a cur.
Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of these.
"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of
water in one hand and two aspirins in the other.
She asks, "What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
She says, "But I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at
the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I
laughed at your dick' cards?"
Bob's greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact,
he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife
"Mother of Six", despite her continual objections.
One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and
shouted across the room, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His irritated wife hollered back, "Any time you're ready,
Father of Four."
A man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says, "You're single aren't you?"
The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"
She replies, "Because you are so damn ugly!"
The three fastest means of communication:
Telephone
Television
Tell-a-woman
Narrow road
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman
leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
The husband was furious when he found out the checking account
was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said,
"It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "You've been making early withdrawals
for years. Now, it's my turn."
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to
shoot him!"
A middle-aged guy says to his wife, "You should go bra-less."
She says, "Do you think my breasts are still perky enough?"
He says, "No, but maybe it'd pull the wrinkles out of your face."
A young lady came home and told her mother that her boyfriend
had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out
he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
"Marry him anyway dear," the mother said. "Between the two of us,
we'll show him just how wrong he is!"
Sneezing man
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The
man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman
can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis
and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't
believe that such a rude person exists.
A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his
penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis
from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are
you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The
woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking
for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Princess and the Frog
Submitted by Kirsti Helene Harefallet
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was
once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss
from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move
into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to
herself and thought "I don't think so."
Late night
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he
gets to the store he finds out however , that it's closed. So the guy
ends up going down to the local bar to use the vending machine. While
there he had a few beer and began talking to this beautiful girl.
He had a few more beer and the next thing he knew he was in this
girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing
he knew it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god , my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick
give me some talcum powder!"
She got him some and he rubbed it all over his hands. When he got
home his wife was up waiting for him and she was furious. "Where the
hell have you been!"
He said, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few
drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!" she demanded. He showed his wife
his powdery hands. "Damn liar, You were out bowling again!"
Cause of death
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
Concerned father to be
Brenda, pregnant with her first child,
was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.
When the exam was over, she shyly began,
"My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a
reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that
all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed.
"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
The 27 non-functioning parts of a Man
A man has 27 parts that don't work for him.
20 nails that don't nail
1 belly button that doesn't button
2 tits that don't milk
1 cock that doesn't crow
2 balls that don't bounce
1 ass that doesn't do any work
Hmmm... but maybe we shouldn't laugh so hard...
We have a pussy that doesn't catch mice!
Insurance matter
Submitted by Christine
A man has a headache and goes to see the doctor. The doctor says "I
have bad news and good news. The bad new is that you have a brain
tumor. The good news is that we can do a brain transplant, and we have
just admoitted a couple who was in a car accident. We can get you one
of their brains. The male brain will cost your insurance company
$100,000, and the female brain will cost $30,000." The man says "I hate
to be rude, but why does the male brain cost so much more than the
female brain?" The doctor replies "Because the male brain has never
been used."
Secret attraction
A small and exceptionally homely man had just started putting on
his underwear when his daughter opened the door & entered
the room.
"Mommy !" she cried, pointing to her father's disproportionately
ample endowment. "What's that ???"
"Well, sweetheart," said the woman, "that's your Daddy's secret
attraction. If it weren't for that, you wouldn't be here,
nor for that matter (she added ruminatively) would I."
TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every
ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not
satisfactory because:
6 times you just layed there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the
reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were fucking the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,
"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying
to breathe.
The assassin
Submitted by Cadder
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill,
requiring an extensive background check, training and testing before
candidates are even considered for the position.
After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks
and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising
candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine
which of equally qualified candidates would get the job.
The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman.
The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man,
down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying,
"We must be completely assured that you will complete your
assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances.
Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked
said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife."
The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job.
Take your wife and go home."
They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the
instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room
and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door
opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just
couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger
but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're
obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door,
handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you
will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless
of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband,
seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the
gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way the
CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen
shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next
several minutes the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing
and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded
with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
The Lamp
Submitted by Glenn Goodman
Three blondes were walking down the beach one morning. One of them
stumbled over an old lamp and picked it up. Thinking it might look nice
on her coffe table she began to rub the sand off. *POOF* A genie
suddenly appeared. Looking down at the three blondes he said, "You have
freed me from the lamp. I will grant each of you a single wish."
One blonde spoke up and said, "I'm tired of all the dumb blonde jokes.
I wish to not be a dumb blonde anymore." *POOF* She turned into a
redhead .
The next blonde said, "I'm tired of all the dumb blonde jokes, too. I
wish to not be dumb blonde anymore." *POOF* She turned into a
brunette.
The last blonde was looking a bit shy as she blushed, kicked at the
sand, and giggled a little bit. Then she said, "I kind of like being
blonde. In fact, I'd like to be even dumber." *POOF* She turned into
a man.
The Lamp II
A guy finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie pops out and says
"I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thinks and thinks and finally
gives his answer:
"I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."
"Okay, if you say so," the genie replied.
And POOF! he turned into a toilet seat.
Hormones
Submitted by Meni Meller
SCIENCE NEWSFLASH
Last week scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small
traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men
12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking
nonsense and couldn't drive.
UPDATE TO SCIENCE NEWSFLASH
Now scientists have confirmed that beer actually contains small
traces
of male -- and NOT female -- hormones. To prove this theory, the
scientists fed 100 women 12 pints of beer and observed that these
women became obsessed with sex but fell asleep long before they
could please their partners.
The Dentist
Submitted by Kirsti Harefallet
A guy and a girl met at a bar. They're getting along so well that they
decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off
his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes
his hands. So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"
The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The
girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands". One thing led to
another and
they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a
GREAT dentist!" The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure
am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?" The girl says: 'Easy
... I didn't feel a thing."
Hunting story
Submitted by Kirsti Harefallet
Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in
Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it
with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder,and he turns around
to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One,
I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear.
He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill heads out
on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At
that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing
right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got
2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over.
He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to
recover, and, he's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and
finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on
his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the
polar bear says "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
Firming up
This guy has a real bad habit of joking with his wife.
As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one her breasts and says,
"If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra."
He laughs and laughs. Another day, he again catches her as she
finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this
up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs
and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.
Another day as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabs his penis
and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep
sleeping with your brother."
Handy man
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.
He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit
some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most
husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said
sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband
snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the
sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got
home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try
to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr.
Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband
got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't
running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What
do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three
repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out
today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well,
honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having
sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled.
"What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
Married life
A young couple, just married, were in the honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, a big burly
man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on."
She did, and found that the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!", said the husband,
"and don't you forget it! I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
She looked at him, then flipped him her panties and said, "try these on."
With growing excitement he tried them on, just to find he could only get
them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "heck, I can't get into your
panties!" She said, "That's right - and that's the way it's going to
stay until your sodding attitude changes!"
The important men
There are ten very important men in a woman's life. They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats
what he shoots.
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
Reqruiting
An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill
one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test
to determine which secretary to keep." To this end, he gave each secretary
a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag.
(In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)
The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks
$50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.
The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the
full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.
The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50,
goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains
to the manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
Answer: The one with the biggest tits!
The tattoo
There was a lady who went to the tattoo parlor and got two tattoos,
one of a turkey on her inside left thigh and another on her
inside right thigh.
She got home and showed her husband and he asked "Why did you get those
there?"
She replied
"Because you're always bitching that you never have anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
Prescription
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up,
the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you
don't do the following, your husband will surely die".
1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a
good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good
frame of mind before he goes back to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with
household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.
Jock joke
Submitted by Lee7888
The Jock in New York wanted to try out for the Utah Jazz. He called them to
get instructions how to get to Salt Lake City.
Karl Malone; " Hey it is easy, Just get in your car and get on Interstate 80
right there in New York. Stay on it and obey all the signs and you will get to
Salt Lake in five days."
Five months later he shows up. Karl asked him if he got lost.
Jock: "No I did just like you said. I got on I-80 and started west. The
first off ramp had a sign that said 'CLEAN RESTROOMS'"
Euphemisms
Submitted by Sabina Becker
A very shy woman didn't like all the usual euphemisms for "having sex",
so she asked her husband if he knew a better one. He thought for a few
minutes, then came up with this one: "Doing the laundry." She liked it.
A short time later, he gave her a fond look and said, "Honey, let's do
the laundry!"
"Not yet, dear, I'm busy..."
A little while later she comes in: "Okay, sweetie, I'm ready to do the
laundry now..."
"Sorry, dear, it was a small load, so I did it by hand!"
Body parts
Submitted by Sabina Becker
A man lay asleep one night, but his body parts were wide awake and
talking. Here's what they said:
His stomach moaned: Oh, gawwwwwd. Every night he fills me up with beer
and gross food. It's a wonder I can hold together!
His feet replied: Big deal! Every night he stuffs us into these tight,
smelly shoes and dances all over us. We've had it!
Then his penis spoke up: Quit bitching, you two, I'm telling you, mine's
the worst! Every night he stuffs me down yet another dark, slimy tunnel,
and makes me do pushups till I puke!
Size matters
Submitted by Dave McCord
This husband was watching t.v when the wife got up to do yardwork.
The husband got up eventually, and looked outside to see what his
wife was doing.He said to her "you know honey your butt is as big
as that bbq grill".
She didn't say anything, she just kept working. Later that night,
when they were in bed, she turned her back to him. he asked her
why she didn't want to have sex with him, and she said "why should I
fire up this big old bbq grill for just one little weenie like that"
Stock market crash
Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl
seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look
anxious." "Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life
savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure
you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."
What a woman says:
Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!
What a man hears:
C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!
A mothers advice
A mother discovered her little daughter fighting with the boy next
door. After parting them she lectured her little girl. "Next time,"
she admonished, "I don't want you hitting back at little Waldemar.
Remember you are a lady. Outtalk him."
Why men should keep out of ladies rooms
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is
nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he
tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of
his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room,
but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons
were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance
of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and
decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm
water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women
really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA"
and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He
thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a
large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.
Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he paniced and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing
I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse
replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the
"ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis
is under your pillow!"
Male golfers
Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by on the
street next to the green. One of the men takes off his hat and holds it
over his heart. When the procession has passed, the other man says,
"That was a nice gesture." "Well," the first guy says, "after twenty
years of marriage, it was the least I could do for her."
The brave French fighter pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his sweedish girlfriend,
Helene, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Helene leans over to Pierre and says "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Helene's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Helene. "I am Pierre
the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
little, Helene says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
starts pouring it all over her chest.
"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Helene. "I am
Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white
wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Helene leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours
it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Helene shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, she
throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter
pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
The cheating accountant
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening
that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being
an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times
than 54 goes into 18.
Adam's cheap choice
God said: Adam. I'm gonna give you a beautiful, loving creature. A
great-looking 'woman', with the best body in the universe, the greatest
mind on Earth, the will to serve you, cook for you, help you, support you
and do your bidding. Woman will be your sex-slave, and yet, she will love
you no matter what. She will respect you, and care for you and always
always be there for you, loyal, trustworthy, beautiful and willing. And to
get this woman, you will have to give me an arm and a leg.
Man said: Geez, God. That sounds cool. But expensive. What can I get for a
rib?
Why the girls are better than boys?
Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having
an argument about whether boys are better than girls.
After a while Johnny stands up and pulls down his shorts saying
'Boys are better than girls 'cos you haven't got one of these!!'.
Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one
of those between her legs.
She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother. A little while
later she comes back out with a big smile on her face.
'My mum says girls are better than boys', she says.
'No they're not.' says Johnny pulling down his shorts, 'You haven't got
one of these!'.
Jane looks at him, then raises her skirt, pulls down her panties and says
'My mum says that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many
of those as I want!!'
Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound
1) Thirsty?
2) Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3) Why does it look so much like a lizard?
4) So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
5) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.
Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In The Delivery Room
1) Clip your toenails.
2) Read a Playboy magazine.
3) Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed.
4) Flirt with the nurse.
5) Watch a football game on your portable television.
6) Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.
The horny gynecologist
The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at
his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely.
As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked,
"Do you understand what I am doing?"
"Yes," the patient answered. "You're checking for dermatological abrasions."
"Correct," the doctor lied. Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly.
Again, he inquired, "Do you understand what I am doing?"
"You're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured.
"Very astute," the doctor complimented, getting more excited.
He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his
member inside her. "And do you understand what I am doing now?"
"All too well," the patient shot back. "You're contracting herpes."
Penisstudy
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why
the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2
years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded
that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft
was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own
study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the
U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost an
excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man's penis
is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure
during sex.
When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to
conduct their own study. The Poles didn't really trust the U.S. or
German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and
at a cost of right around $75.00, the Polish study reached a
conclusion. The Polish study came to the final conclusion that the
reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to
prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
Mister sensitive
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The
passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash
and they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I
can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal,
strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a
woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a
woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall muscular man
smiles and starts to walk up to her seat.
As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his hughe muscles
even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in
hand says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die.
"Are you interested?" She eagerly nods her head "yes!"
As the man hands her his shirt, he says, "Here. Iron this."
Sperm count
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and
gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's
like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the
teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next
door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't
get the damn jar open!"
FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO WOMEN ON WHAT MEN WANT:
I know the myth is that men want:
Traci Lords in the bedroom,
Julia Child in the kitchen,
Hazel around the house,
Lesley Visser during a game,
Mary Poppins for the children,
Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic,
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick,
Mary Richards at work,
Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy,
Gertrude Stein in conversation,
the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin',
combined with the voice of Sade,
and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith,
because of course we don't want to feel too threatened.
Eleven Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a dick
1. Some folks have it, some don't.
2. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
3. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
4. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
5. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it
hard to get any real work done.
7. In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's
the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it
for fun most of the time.
8. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.
9. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult
to think coherently.
10.We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual
size and influence warrant.
11.If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot
of trouble.
IT MUST BE TRUE, IT'S IN THE BIBLE
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of,
old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the
human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I
don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere, and
that he would look for it.
The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and
showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem."
At the dentists
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where
Mr Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles
or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the
dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife "Show him , honey."
Psycology
It occurred at a party. A male guest tried to introduce himself to a
female guest with whom he was not acquainted.
"Hello, I'm ---"
"A MOTEL????" she interrupted, very conspicuously, near the top of her
lungs.
"What?"
"WHY DO YOU WANT TO TAKE ME TO A MOTEL????"
"I never said anything about any ---"
"I'M NOT GOING TO ANY MOTEL WITH YOU AND THAT'S FINAL!!!"
Of course, he decided she was out of her mind and moved away, avoiding
her the rest of the evening.
But about a half hour later she tapped him on the shoulder from behind.
He turned around to see who it was, recognized her, and backed away.
"Wait, please," she said. "I'm sorry about what I did earlier, but you
see, I'm a psychology student, and I'm doing research on how people
react to unexpected stresses and other difficult situations.
Please let me apologize."
"TWO HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS????"
The speeding ticket
3 men were speeding down a highway. a cop pulled them over and said "i'll
let you off this time but next time i'll have to give you a ticket" the
next day they were speeding again and the same cop pulled them over and
said "i have to give you a ticket, unless under one condition, all your
penises equal up to 10 inches" the first man's penis was 5 he was very
proud. the second man's penis was 4. the third man's penis was 1. the
first man said "if it wasnt for me we would have got a ticket" the third
man said "no, we were luckly, i was getting a hard-on"
Satisfaction
How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize,
serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize,
bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug,
baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond,
anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag,
crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore,
bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore,
defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail,
super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge,
polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear,
understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim,
hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,
patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a
nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt,
enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle,
snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub,
rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like
a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die,
swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify,
lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken,
undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold,
blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant,
idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
How to Satisfy a Man Every Time:
Blow job
Do What He Says...
Submitted by "Al borde del mar..."
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a
young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to
his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a
skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with
you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I m
so relieved you feel that way, because he just told
me he thinks you are really cute!"
Adam and Eve
Submitted by "Al borde del mar..."
And it came to pass that the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for
you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to
kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" The Lord
gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a
nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was
enjoyable."
The Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd
like for you to caress Eve." Again, Adam had to ask, "What is a 'caress?'"
Again, the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush
with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned...smiling, and said, "Lord, that
was even better than the kiss." The Lord said, "You've done well Adam.
Now I want you to make love to Eve." Of course Adam had to ask, "What is
'make love' Lord?'" And again, the Lord gave Adam directions to which Adam
went straight away to Eve, behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in
two seconds asking...
"Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
The last word
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding
anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the
inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a
return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my
husband.....stiff at last"
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