Here's a cold hard fact that you must now nibble and sip: if
you are reading this, you are not feminine. Period. Case closed. Real
Women do not read anything on the Internet.. because they can't get on it!
They'd rather sit at home and watch Jenny Jones or Oprah!
Do not mention AS THE WORLD TURNS. Do not clutch your copy of
Woman's Day. Sit your Hard little ass down and listen up. Understanding
Feminism means that you don't possess it. I have proven myself to be the
Bitch that I am by writing this piece. (I'm wearing a Plaid cotton shirt
and tight jeans as I write this) [sic] Ann Landers, you say?
Wrong. Ann lives a very feminist life and has had many Feminine articles.
But she threw it all away when she took on Congress in 71. That took
Balls... Big ones. Real Women do not take on the world. Real women are
corpses in bed. Real women have baby's, knit stockings, eat bon bons and do
not know the meaning of the #42.
They greet their husbands at the door, and make sure Dinner is waiting on
penalty of that new dress they wanted. I think Loraina Bobbit said it best
when she said, "Just go to sleep dear."
Feminism is a very slippery thing. You don't read about it, you don't
write about it, you don't even know the correct spelling of the word. In
a vain attempt to keep some semblance of my femininity, I didn't research
the roots of the word while writing this article, but I can only assume that
"feminine" comes from "Fem" which sounds a hell of a lot like a little
sparrow whose light in the cranium. Being Feminine implies a gentle,
soft-pillow approach, full of feathers and aroma's and feelings and other
pansy type-stuff.
It's hard to live by the old feminine code these days. They've
chipped away at it over the years, slowly but surely. Foreplay has been
reduced to a quick snap of the fingers if that. Who has time for all the
other stuff?
Were working 40 hours a week and making up a good 50% of the family income.
If Mrs. Cleaver where here right now She'd shove those pearls right up Wards
derrière.
From time to time, people try to use Feminism as an image builder.
Jeraldine Ferarro tries to make herself seem like a Beta Sigma phi sorority
girl.
She's not. The last Feminine pres. we had was ..... HEY WE HAVEN'T HAD ONE
YET!
I think the death of feminism is easily located on a very recent map.
Sometime in the late '70s-right around the time The Brady's slept in the
same bed and Mrs. Partridge raised a family on her own and Cher kicked Sonny
out the door, women made a serious mistake. We started looking at
ourselves. We put down our knitting needles and began discussing why men
get all the good jobs. I'll bet my Right Boob that if I had done some
research, I would have found a dramatic decline in the nursing and maids
industry starting in 1977. Now we're supposed to be Hard. We are supposed
to hide our feelings and not cry during PMS and mess up our hair. We're, in
short, supposed to be men. Hello, my name is Bob. Bite my right one.
I believe in equal rights. I believe that men should be allowed to
drink and fall over themselves in a stupor. I believe men should be able to
fart at the dinner table. I believe They should be allowed to keep the
seat up. But I also believe that women should be women and men should be,
well, men. Men should be Hard and stupid and always ready. And Women
should have their own tools (with or without batteries). I pine for the
sheer stupidity of the old Feminine days, when woman would vacuum in 3 inch
pumps and just hang out at the beauty parlor waiting for the next bit of
gossip from the mail man, who was actually sleeping with the PTA president.
When Women were treated with respect on a date and the man opened the car
door and carried us over the threshold.. and not made us pay for it.
My mom was very feminine. My mom would meet my dad at the door,
dressed in a floral spring dress, Make-up and hair all done to the nines..
smelling of gardenias. Have diner ready on the table and warm soothing music
to listen to, every night for 45 years.....
One night in 1985, she Had a big steak dinner with a side order of bacon and
extra steak fries sitting there waiting for him.
He ordered some coffee, sat back, lit up a cigarette, and exploded.
Thats the day I knew being Feminine was dead.. just like my dad.. he asked
for one thing too much and then BLAMMO! mom spiked his cigarette with TNT.
These days we have movies called Sheera and Wonder Woman..Xena Princess
Warrior. Who for some reason think that their Boobs are supposed to be the
shape of Pyramids.
And what's with these porno flicks? Are we supposed to watch these and get
aroused? Or die of uncontrollable laughter at the plot? Wait.. there is no
plot. I usually have to turn the sound down and pretend..
I can't wait until they make their first Porno for the deaf.. the hand
signals are sure to be a scream.
And the names of these actress's Have got to go...
Candy Samples, Ginger Lynn, Sandra Scream, Kim Wylde, Sasha Savage, Teri
Diver, Linda Lovelace. Sounds more like an Isle at WallMart then Women's
names.
It's getting very bad, girls. We don't tend our gardens any more,
Hell we don't even HAVE gardens any more. We drive Jeeps with Roll Bars.
In the old days we'd pile all the kids into the station wagon. "Baby on
Board."
Remember that phrase in the 80's? Always the sign of a very Feminine
driver.
We seem a little more Mouthy, a little more Hard, a lot more
"I've had enough and I'm not going to take it anymore". If you really want
to reclaim your feminine self,
if you really want to be a REAL WOMAN, stop reading this article.
Cause we all know.. Real Women don't understand the Internet!
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