 The Guy's Guide To Star Signs (a crash-course in astrology for men) This is a secret men shouldn't really be allowed to know, but ok, I'll tell you, but don't pass it on to any of your mates. You always wonder how women can have our famous "Female Intuition" - That mysterious and strange ability that all women seem to be born with and men lack. Well, it's really nothing but a trick. We cheat. What you men don't know is that every publication directed towards a female audience, from the day we learn to read, contains a column called "Horoscope". A horoscope is a very accurate forecast, based on star signs, telling us exactly what will happen to us in the future. It also tells the undisputable truth about all people. There is no use in trying to pretend. Tell us your sign and we know all your secrets. In order to understand women's reactions and in order to be prepared when you get a question like "what's your sign", you should probably learn some star sign basics. These are the general charachteristics for men: |
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You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a
great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.
Everyone thinks you're a damn jerk.
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick
to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off
everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the
FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you
for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are
nothing but a damned communist.
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This
means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on
incest.
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which
makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will
always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a
Cancer.
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most
Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving assholes and enjoy
masturbation more than sex.
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude
is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional
and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and
pimps.
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality.
You are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil.
Most Libra men smells bad. All Libra's die of venereal disease.
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot
be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total
lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are
murdered.
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely
on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You have no guts
whatsoever. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a
Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
