What Men Really Mean

• "I'm going fishing."
  Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
  
  
• "Let's take your car."
  Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
  
  
• "Woman driver."
  Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
  
  
• "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
  Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
  
  
• "It's a guy thing."
  Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
  
  
• "Can I help with dinner?"
  Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
  
  
• "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
  
  
• "Good idea."
  Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
  
  
• "Have you lost weight?"
  Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
  
  
• "My wife doesn't understand me."
  Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
  
  
• "It would take too long to explain."
  Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."
  
  
• "I'm getting more exercise lately."
  Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
  
  
• "I got a lot done."
  Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
  
  
• "We're going to be late."
  Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
  
  
• "Hey, I've read all the classics."
  Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
  
  
• "You cook just like my mother used to."
  Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
  
  
• "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
  Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
  
  
• "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
  Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
  
  
• "That's interesting, dear."
  Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
  
  
• "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
  Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
  
  
• "You expect too much of me."
  Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."
  
  
• "It's a really good movie."
  Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." (or Rene Russo)
  
  
• "That's women's work."
  Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
  
  
• "Will you marry me?"
  Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
  
  
• "Go ask your mother."
  Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
  
  
• "You know how bad my memory is."
  Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
  
  
• "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
  Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
  
  
• "Football is a man's game."
  Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."
  
  
• "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
  Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
  
  
• "I do help around the house."
  Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
  
  
• "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
  Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
  
  
• "I can't find it."
  Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
  
  
• "What did I do this time?"
  Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
  
  
• "What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
  Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
  
  
• "She's one of those rabid feminists."
  Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."
  
  
• "But I hate to go shopping."
  Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
  
  
• "No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
  Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."
  
  
• "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
  Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth reathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
  
  
• "I heard you."
  Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
  
  
• "You know I could never love anyone else."
  
• Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
  
  
• "You look terrific."
  Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
  
  
• "I brought you a present."
  Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
  
  
• "I missed you."
  Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
  
  
• "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
  Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again, but rather that then stop and ask for directions."
  
  
• "We share the housework."
  Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
  
  
• "This relationship is getting too serious."
  Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
  
  
• "I recycle."
  Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
  
  
• "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
  Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
  
  
• "It sure snowed last night."
  Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
  
  
• "It's good beer."
  Really means.... "It was on sale."
  
  
• "I don't need to read the instructions."
  Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
  
  
• "I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
  Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
  
  
• "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
  Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
  
  
• "I broke up with her."
  Really means.... "She dumped me."