THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES: 

 On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost... 
     Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for
     the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants 
     like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old. 

 But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy... 
     because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third 
     time. Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both 
     sides.... It's all about who's out in front.
 
 Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, 
     never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto
     mechanics....If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, 
     try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?" 

 A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as 
     simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, 
     a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer. 

 Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular 
     sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo, he's really 
     something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!." 

 Never admit you don't understand a political issue....
     Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them. 

 There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there'e a remote control handy...
     Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, 
     in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot. 

 If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel....
     It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with 
     your feet.
 
 Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like 
     "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that 
     awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once 
     she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value 
     his friendship. 

 If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it 
     hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive than Phil Donahue. 
     But never reveal it to the other guy...."Coach, when you said I was a 
     low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases loaded, 
     it made me feel small and sad." 

 Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex 
     life to another guy...unless the guy is a urologist. 

 A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. 
     He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be 
     able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess... Having met 
     these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such 
     things.
 
 If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used, 
     proceed to the farthest available urinal. If a line has formed, maintain proper 
     spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the urinal.... Above all, 
     if nothing happens within 30 seconds, don't just stand there like a geek; 
     shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to you will probably ask you 
     for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk away. 

 When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're 
     finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you 
     were preparing for brain surgery. 

 If you can't take it, you're not a man (whatever "it" might be)....
     Maybe you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on one, 
     you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll never hear 
     the end of it. 

 Ingore or deny physical pain...As comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike Tyson 
     once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret did in Bye 
     Bye, Birdie. Did he hurt you, Trevor? 'I was, ah, stunned, that's all, just 
     stunned.'" 

 Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys...
     That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records. 

 Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like saying, 
     "How do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it-- here and 
     here." 

 If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's 
     Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound those 
     calories into submission. 

 Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor a Remington, 
     and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the 
     action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel
     Boone or Rambo. 

 If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of Playboy 
     as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on Tupperware. In a huddle 
     of your peers, pause regularly to utter appreciative comments like "WOW!
     Check that out!"...and if you're alone, study and quantify each curve like a 
     forensic scientist.
 
 When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie 
     department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic 
     would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.