In a Perfect World (According to a Man)
   
   
   1.  Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an 
   acceptable response to "I love you."
   
   2.  Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
   
   3.  When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
  game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during
  a time- out.
   
   4.  Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a
  "Nice
   hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
   
   5.  Birth control would come in ale or lager.
   
   6.  You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of 
   people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
   
   7.  Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of 
   the NFL team of your choice.
   
   8.  The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
   
   9.  "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an
   acceptable excuse for tardiness.
   
   10.  At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump
  out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
  into your car like Fred Flintstone.
   
   11.  It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, 
   put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
   
   12.  Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for 
    violating the"public ugliness" ordinance.
   
   13.  Any fake phone number a girl gave you would 
   automatically forward your call to her real number.
    
   14.  Tanks would be far easier to rent.
   
   15.  Garbage would take itself out.
   
   16.  Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
    
   17.  Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
   wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
   
   18.  Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it 
   would only occur in leap years.
    
   19.  On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the 
   day off to go drinking. 
    
   Mother's Day, too.
   
   20.  St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the 
   same. But it would be celebrated every month.
   
   21.  When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
  responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know
  how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer
  all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
   
   22. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
   
   23.  The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
   
   24.  People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
   
   25.  Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
    
   26.  Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of
   conversation.