Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men
for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically
and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional
drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling.
A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that
fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.
Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're
her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy,
like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important
that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He
is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read
a mind?
Always remember these five important rules when asking
a man to do something:
1. Make sure the man is conscious.
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird
cage with the sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three
hours, max.
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook
him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave
his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave
again for another 35 minutes.
6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead
of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".
OK, six rules.
How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference.
Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no
effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It
does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will
you" instead of "could you" and "can you". For
example:
Do say: would you take out
the garbage?
Do not say: could you
get off your fat ass and do something around here? What am I, the fucking
maid?
Do say: would you like to
have a menage-a- trois with our next door neighbor Betty?
Do not say: could you learn
how to perform oral sex on me so I don't have to have a lesbian affair
with our next-door-neighbor, Betty.
Do say: would you like to
go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please
take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger",
"king", or "happy meal" in their advertising.
Do say: would you mind watching
the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just
for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break
from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify
ourselves.
Do say: would you take me
to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove
to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills
to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.
Do say: would you like me
to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step
up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.
Do say: would you consider
getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even
imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel
like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next
minute? No? Then get your tubes tied or I'll have your dick snipped!
Do say: would you like
to take a vacation?
Do not say could you move out?
Do say: would you get out
of my life?
Do not say: could you get
out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is
much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".
