- Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up the mess after them.
- How are men like "Miller Lite"?
They taste good, but aren't very filling.
- The trouble with some women is that they get excited about nothing - then marry him.
- How does a man have the power to make a woman happy?
By remaining a bachelor.
- If you want to know why men are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!
- Who needs a husband?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon,
my fireplace smokes a lot,
my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and
I have a physician who looks me over regularly.
- Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
- What is a macho man?
After getting a blow job, he asks the woman; 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'
- What is a more macho man?
At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen to you often?'
- How are men like UFOs?
You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're going to take off.
- Q: What does a neuron do in a manīs brain?
A: It gets bored. (Submitted by "garpa" )
- Q: Why do men have spine?
A: If they didnīt, theyīd suck their dicks all day long. (Submitted by "garpa" )
- What's the difference between an average man and a doctor?
The doctor is polite when asking you to undress.
The doctor listens when you complain,
and the doctor washes his hands before touching you. (Submitted by Sabina )
- Q. How can you tell if a man is intelligent?
A. You poor, naive thing! (Submitted by Sabina )
- Q. How can you tell he'll be a good father?
A. When he talks to little girls, he doesn't leer. (Submitted by Sabina )
- Men's brains are like the prison system: not enough cells per man
- What's the difference between women and men?
One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.
- Why is your old husband like a christmas tree?
They both have balls for decoration.
- How can you tell the difference between a real man and a snowman?
Snowmen will be seen with a broom. (Submitted by Jim )
- How is a penis and a rubix cube alike?
The more you play with them the harder they get. (Submitted by John )
- What is the man's idea of the perfect cinderella ten?
A woman that sucks and fucks till midnight then turns into a six pack and a pizza. (Submitted by John )
- How are men like elevators?
If you find one working, you can be sure it stinks and probably won't go down.
- Whats the difference between a man and a bathtub?
You can scrub the scum off of a bathtub.
- Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
- ... This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said 'I Will' he knew damn well he couldn't.
- The tri stages of how interested he is in sex...
Age 25: Tri-weekly
Age 45: Try-weekly
Age 69: Try-weakly
- On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
- Doctor, my wife just swallowed a whole bottle of Asprin! What should I do?
- Wake her up and give her a headache.
- How is a man like a petrol station?
From the belly-button down he's super.
From the belly button up to his neck, he's normal,
and from the neck up he's simply air.
- Have you heard about the new Divorced Barbie?
She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
- So what do you do when your husband is staggering around in the back yard?
Shoot him again! (Submitted by Debbie )
- When a woman makes a fool of a man, it's usually an improvement.
- I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
- Why are beer cans so easy to open?
Look who's drinking them.
- Why do angry males act like such morons?
Who says they're acting?
- Priest: 'I don't think you will ever find another man like you late husband.'
Wife: 'Who's gonna look?'
- The fastest way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with a guy.
- Why are some women beginning to like work better than sex?
More perks, and the payoff is better.
- If you catch a man, throw him back.
- Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
- Don't wear your glasses on a blind date.
You'll look better, and he will too.
- Q. What does it mean when the man in the house suddenly shows you affection, tenderness and sympathy?
A. It means you're in the wrong house.
- Husband: You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Wife: No, have you?
- Grow your own dope, plant a man!
- If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons (Submitted by Rob)
- How do you know if your man is dead?
Sex is the same, but there's less ironing (Submitted by T Gent)
- Girls, when you date, always have the mother's quaint old sayings in mind:
'Don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!'
- When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about 'the ceremony'.
Men talk about 'the bachelor party'.
- How is a man like a microwave oven?
Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
- Q: Would a clever woman make a good wife?
A: A clever woman won't BECOME a wife!
- Q: Why are men so happy?
A: Because ignorance is bliss.
- Men get laid.
Women get screwed.
- Q: What would men do if they had breasts?
A: They'd stay at home and play with them all day.
- What does a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
You can't fuck with either one.
- Q:What's the difference between a man and a squirrel?
A:The squirrel stores his nuts under rocks and cracks' em.
Whereas the man stores his nuts in cracks and rocks' em. (Submitted by Ursich)
- Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
- Man: Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
Woman: Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind. (Submitted by irbis)
- Q: How does a man buy lingere for a woman?
A: He throws it on the floor to see if it looks good.
- Q: How are men and dogs alike?
A: If they can't eat it or screw it, then they just piss on it.
- Q: Why do men get paid twice as much to do the same job?
A: The woman gets it it right the first time.
- Q: What is the difference between a puppy and a man?
A: Eventually the puppy will grow up and stop whining.
- How can you tell when a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
- q. What happens when a man undoes his fly?
a. His brain falls out. (Submitted by RODICA )
- Mattel is coming out with a talking Barbie. They say it was easy to get Barbie to talk.
The problem was getting Ken to listen.
- A woman's job is never done because she still has to do what she asked her husband to do.
- What's the most difficult adjustment a man has to make after having a sex change operation?
Taking a 30% cut in pay
- Q: How can you tell if your man is kinky?
A: He uses a feather in bed.
Q: How can you tell if your man is perverted?
A: He uses the whole chicken.
- Did you hear that I ran into my ex the other day?..........
No, I didn't. What happened then?
Well, I backed up and ran him over again!
- What do men and brains have in common?
Nothing thats why they are called shit for brains. (Submitted by C Lid )
- Why is it the only time a man is smart is when he is having sex?
Because he is plugged into a woman! (Submitted by Heather)
- Husband: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
- What's the difference between a man and a camel?
A camel can work for 8 days without drinking, while a man can drink for 8 days without working. (Submitted by Kirsti )
- Do you know why it takes men so much time to wash their basement windows?
They have to dig down the ladder first. (Submitted by Kirsti )
- What is the definition of a penis?
It's a little root for a big vegetable!
What is the definition of sperm then?
It's a vegetable juice! ("root"= australian slang for having sex)/Submitted by bhcsey
- "I think not - therefore I must be male!" Submitted by
Jacquie
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