|
- Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom. (Submitted by Cadder )
- Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. (Submitted by Cadder )
- A woman to a man is like flowers to a vase.
A man to a woman is like bicycle to a fish. (Submitted by Ruby)
- Why do boys run faster than girls?
They have two ball bearings and a stick shift (Submitted by ak007)
- What's the dumbest part of a man?
His Prick.(it's got no brains, its best friends are two nuts, and it lives next door to an asshole) (Submitted by ak007)
- Real estate agent: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
- Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out,
"Liza, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!"
- Woman 1: Can you beat my total of 71 men?
Woman 2: Sure, if you supply the whips.
- A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.
That's why he dates someone half his age.
- What do you do with a headache?
You divorce him! (Submitted by Kelly & Eddy)
- Q: Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support a man.
- I married Mister Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always.
- It's not true that married women live longer than single women.
It only seems longer.
- Losing a husband can be hard.
In my case, it was damned near impossible.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street completely bald and still think they look so gorgeous every man wants them
- If your husband and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
- A woman is incomplete until she is married. After that, she's finished
- Why do most men like women with big tits and small vaginas?
Because most men have big mouths and little dicks. (Submitted by William)
- How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A) Six - one to sit on a table, 4 to rotate the table, and one to stay at the door and watch for electricity.
B) Just one, but he would rather climb the ladder, hold on to the bulb, and let the world revolve around him! (Submitted by Cristi)
- What is the smartest thing a man has ever said?
Well my wife says.... (Submitted by Jennifer)
- What 3, 2 letter words REALLY irritate a man?
'Is it in!?!?' (Submitted by Sarah)
- A perfect man, a perfect woman and Santa Claus were leaving a department store. Who would be holding up the door?
The perfect woman of course, the other two are figments of the imagination. (Submitted by Jim)
- What is 6" long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?
Money
- Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let him sleep!
- How is a marriage like a hot bath?
Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
- Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: It's easy to blow a paycheck, even if it wrinkled, stained or smells funny.
- Men don't really care how big your tits are. They would, but they're too busy worrying about the size of their dicks.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
- To women, love is an occupation.
To men, love is a preoccupation.
- Husbands are like cars: all are good the first year.
- Men are like animals, but they make great pets.
- Can you imagine a world without men ? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
- If men were as great lovers as they think they are, we women wouldn't have time to do our hair. --Marlene Dietrich
- Q: Why should men work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
- Describe the ideal man.
The ideal man has a tongue 18 inches long and can breathe through his ears.
- Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through it's pecker!
- When is it ok for a guy not to know the proper spelling of 'clitoris'?
When he has it on the tip of his tounge.
- Q: How do you keep a man from raping you?
A: Throw him the remote control.
- Q: What one thing can always get a man out of your life?
A: A hunting licence.
- When a newly married woman looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married woman looks happy, we wonder why.
- What is a man doing when he pours beer on his hand?
Getting his date drunk. (Submitted by Tygervam)
- What do you get when you take away half of a woman's brain?
A smart man (Submitted by Angela)
- Why does it take longer to build a snowman than a snowwoman?
You have to hollow out the head first (Submitted by Leo)
- Q: How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?
A: Wave (Submitted by Jennifer)
- Why did God give men different faces?
So you can tell them apart (Submitted by Mark)
- A Farmer and his wife are in bed . He reaches forward and feels her
breasts.
He says ' You know if these were bigger we wouldn't need the cow.'
She reaches back and feels his dick. She says ' If this was bigger we
wouldn't need the farm manager.' (Submitted by Bennett)
- Today, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces
of female hormones.
To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed
that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive. (Submitted by Graham)
- Q: How are men and irons alike?
A: They leave stains whenever they get too hot. (Submitted by Jennifer)
- Q: What do you call a smart man?
A: Unsighted. (Submitted by Jennifer)
- Q: Why do men have orgasms?
A: So they will know when to stop having sex and fall asleep.
- Why are windows male?
Because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.
- Why is shit male?
Because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.
- Among men, sex sometimes leads to intimacy; among women intimacy sometimes leads to sex. (D. Symons)
- The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex,
the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.
- Why is going to a singles bar like being a matador?
You have to dodge a lot of bull.
- Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
- Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
- Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
- How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
Her husband wakes up.
- How do you blind a man?
Place him in a grocery store.
- Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding
- Q. What's an orgasm mum?
A . I don't know, ask your father.
- Why can't Stevie Wonder sort his laundry?
He is a man
- What's long, hard, and filled with semen?
A submarine! (sea-men...) (Submitted by Carlene)
- What is the similarity between men and nylons.
When you need them they run. (Submitted by Kristen)
- How many men jokes are there?
About half the population. (Submitted by Heidi)
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- Boys will be boys, but one day all girls will be women.
- Boys will be boys - but men are better at it.
- Why do men call women birds?
Because of all the worms we pick up.
- Guy, naked in front of the mirror: 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
- Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. (Groucho Marx)
- Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
- A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist is hoping they are.
|
