- How do you make a man horny?
Tie his hands behind his back. (Submitted by Daniel)
- How can you tell when you have gained too much weight?
Men start treating you with respect. (Submitted by Daniel)
- The worst thing about men is that most are raised by women
(I might add, " and they pick our fathers" ) (Submitted by Mason)
- What do you call ten men lined up ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.... (Submitted by NRSfunk4)
- Why don't men need to use so much toilet paper?
Because God made them perfect arseholes! (Submitted by Mariska)
- Why did God make Adam first?
Practice makes perfect.
- How do you get a man aroused?
Just be there.
- Why do men have trouble parking sideways?
They think that eenie weenine little space is also a foot long.
- How do you keep a man busy for days?
Put him in a round room and tell him to look for the corners.
- What are the three words a woman can always expect from a man after sex?
How was I
- Why do men like to reek of beer?
It keeps their body odor from being noticed
- When a woman is pregnant, she craves odd stuff. What does a man crave?
Other women
- Why are men obsessed with breasts?
Because women have them
- How can you tell if a man is cheating on you?
He's not at home
- Why do married women complain about their husbands so much?
Their husbands are men
- The biggest difference between a man and a woman:
A man looks at a woman and gets all hot and bothered.
A woman doesn't even look at a man
- What is a woman's wildest, raunchiest, dirtiest, sleaziest sexual fantasy ever?
A man who thinks
- Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men give a damn
- What is making love?
It is the thing women dream of while men fuck them
- What do you call a really smart man?
A two-penis genetic accident
- Why do women always fall for the wrong kind of guy?
Is there any other kind?
- Q: Why do women have orgasms
A: It's something else to moan about
- Q: What is a relationship?
A: A way to keep masturbation from getting boring.
- 'Doctor, I think my husband's dead.'
'Oh, really? What makes you think that?'
'Well, the sex is the same, but he doesn't smell of beer anymore.'
- ... Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.
- Q: Why do men get married??
A: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
- What's wrinkled and hangs out a man's underwear?
His mother...
- What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass
to pay for it all. (Submitted by JenA)
- Why do men think they're better than women?
Because they have always been told that two heads were better than one. (Submitted by Rita)
- What do you do if you see a field full of men?
Smile... and reload your gun. (Submitted by Nectar)
- What's the similarity between a woman and a hurricane?
They're both wet and wild when they come, and they both take the furniture and house when they leave! (Submitted by Clas) <--- He is my Ex, so he should know... /Helene ;)
- Q: Besides his dog, what is a man's best friend?
A: His hand. (Submitted by Geoff)
- Q: How can you tell if a man has been using the computer?
A: If you visit a site: "www.[insert porno site here].com", you find all the links purple... (Submitted by Geoff)
- Q: Why will men never elect a woman President of the United States?
A: Men would rather keep contraception, abortion, and marital appliances frowned upon, but legal, instead of those things keeping men frowned upon, but legal. (Submitted by Geoff)
- Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: They don't have to pay child support if they cut off their hand. (Submitted by Geoff)
- Q: What does a man do when it's not football season?
A: Hibernate. (Submitted by Geoff)
- What do men and diapers have in common?
They are always on your ass and full of shit. (Submitted by Cindi)
- How do you know God isn't a woman?
If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate.
- Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.
- Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
- Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.
- Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
- Q: Why did God create man?
A: She didn't. Her husband did.
- I'm not saying my husband is dumb, but, when his doctor told him he had sugar in his urine, he went home and pissed on his corn flakes.
- What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris??
Men will spend hours looking for a golf ball
- Q: What do men and apes have in common?
A: Everything.
- In England, a dumb man who doesn't do anything is called a Gentleman.
Here we call him a boyfriend.
- A man finds his wife in bed with another man. "What are you doing?" he yells.
"See," she says to her lover, "I told you he was dumb."
- What do women have in common with trash?
It is hard to find a good man to take them out!
- A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asks.
"About as hard as my dick." he replies.
"Ok, then pour me some!"
- What do smart men do at the M&M factory?
Proofread
- Why don't men name there penises after women?
Because they don't want a woman running their life.
- How did Pinnochio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
- What do "Slow, children playing" grow up to be?
"Slow, Men at Work"
- How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
I don't know, it's never been done.
- Q. How does a man know when it's time to do the washing up and clean the
house?
A. He looks inside his pants. If he has a penis, it's not time.
Top What is the difference between a Porsche and a vacuum cleaner?
The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
Him: Honey, I'm sick.
Her: When does it hurt?
Him: Doing the dishes.
What's the difference between your boyfriend and a pigeon?
The pigeon can easily make a deposit on a BMW.
My husband had to cash a check, and the sign at the door said '24 hour banking'. But he turned and went back to the car, So I asked him why,
and he replied: 'I don't have that much time'
The only time my husband ever got close to the sink was when he wanted to try tap dancing, and he broke his ankle falling into it.
Why did the guy drive all winter without snow tyres?
Because he was afraid they would melt in warm weather.
Guy: How much do these diapers cost?
Saleswoman: They are $2.69 plus tax.
Guy: Skip the tacks, we'll pin them on.
Dear doctor, both my wife and I are sterile.
Is there any possibility that we will pass this on to our children?
Q: Why do men have legs?
A: So their brains don't drag on the ground. (Submitted by Meredith)
Q: How many cute guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: If you're in the dark with a cute guy, why worry about the lights?! (Submitted by Meredith)
Men are like department stores....
their clothes should always be half off. (Submitted by Cadder )
Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be long enough. (Submitted by Cadder )
Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory. (Submitted by Cadder )
Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. (Submitted by Cadder )
Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips. (Submitted by Cadder )
Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long. (Submitted by Cadder )
Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong. (Submitted by Cadder )
Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Mrs. Right Now. Submitted by Dani
Why is shopping better than men?
If you don't like it, you can take it back! Submitted by Sharon
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