- What do you call a zit on a mans genitals?
A brain tumour.
- A man is walking down the street with a pig under his arm.
He passes a person who asks 'Where did you get that?'
The pig says, 'I won him in a raffle!'
- What did the man say after watching the ballet?
'Why don't they use taller girls?'
- How are men like toilets?
They're either occupied or crappy. (submitted by Yoshiwara)
Their always blocked and full of shit.(submitted by Mitchell)
- Three blondes meet a fairy and are granted one wish each.
The first one says: "I want to be even more blond than I am!" and ZZAPP - she's unbelievably blond.
The second says: "I want to have the bluest eyes in the world." and ZZAPP - here eyes outshine the sea.
The third says: "I already am stupid, but I want to be more bloody stupid than a stone." and ZZAPP - she's a man. (submitted by Yoshiwara)
- When God made man she was only practising. (submitted by Yoshiwara)
- When God made the patriarchate she was drunk. (submitted by Yoshiwara)
- Widows are not the only people who have late husbands. (Submitted by Kelly)
- For every guy who marries for money,
there is a gal who marries for alimony. (Submitted by Kelly)
- Some men marry poor girls to settle down,
and others marry rich ones to settle up. (Submitted by Kelly)
- The trouble for a man with being best man at a wedding
is that he gets no chance to prove it. (Submitted by Kelly)
- The difference between a husband and a lover
is the difference between day and night. (Submitted by Kelly)
- Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife
and a surprised mother-in-law. (Submitted by Kelly)
- There is only one beautiful boy in the world,
and every mother has one. (Submitted by Kelly)
- Q: Why don't little girls fart?
A: Because they don't get assholes till they get married.. (Submitted by Jackie)
- Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
Because they're pigs! (Submitted by Super-User)
- Q: Why do men have assholes?
A: So they won't be total pricks.
- Q: Where is a woman's asshole during sex?
A: On the Golf course. (Submitted by Robert)
- Husband: 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.'
Wife: 'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we would do without the gardener too'
- Why do men have legs?
So when your done with them they can leave.
- Women who think they are equal to men lack ambition.
- How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
- Why do men have such big nostrils?
Look at the size of their fingers.
- Why do men prefer showers to baths?
Peeing in the tub is disgusting.
- What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A closed mouth and an open wallet. (Submitted by Falstaff)
- How do you make your husband scream while you make love?
You call him.
- How men interpret the bible...
-Did you know that they had baseball in the bible? 'In the Big Inning'.
-Who is the first man in the bible? -Chap 1.
-Did you know that they played tennis in ancient Egypt? They must have, because Joseph served in Pharahoe's court.
- Q. What's the difference between men and alley cats?
A. Men are taller.
- Q. How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
A. It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
- Q. Why are men so concerned about the size of their penis?
A. Because they should be.
- Q. What's the best way to keep a man happy in bed?
A. Move the TV into the bedroom.
- Q. What do you need when you have three male chauvinist pigs up to their necks in cement?
A. More cement.
- Q. What do men enjoy even more than lots of sex?
A. Having their buddies believe them when they talk about it.
- Q. How do you know when a man has an orgasm?
A. He rolls over and starts snoring.
- Q. What does a man say when he watches his wife change a diaper?
A. I could have done that.
- Q. Why did the inexperienced man make such a lousy lover?
A. He kept waiting for the swelling to go down.
- Q. How do you get a macho guy to stop calling "it" The Whopper, My Bazooka, and The Thunder Rod?
A. Ask, 'Is it in?'
- A. What's the average man's definition of foreplay?
Q. Unzipping his fly.
- Married women consider a husband who falls asleep immediately after sex a good lover.
A mediocre one falls asleep during.
- Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a male insomniac?
A. A cock that stays up all night.
- Q. Why did the football hero flunk his American Literature Exam?
A. He thought Moby Dick was a kind of venereal disease.
- Most sophisticated women realize that any man who knows more than three lovemaking positions have to be rated an imaginative lover.
- Q. Why won't a man make a commitment?
A. He's afraid he'd have to share his beer and pretzels.
- Did you hear about the man that was so dumb that he thought the purpose of an erection was to get rid of the wrinkles in his penis?
- Q. How may men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to force it with a hammer and four to take him to the emergency room.
- Q. What is the difference between a wife and a girl friend?
A. Forty-five pounds.
Q. What is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?
A.Forty-five minutes.
- Q. What's the best thing about your child turning 3 years of age?
A. Daddy now has someone who has more in common with him.
- Q. Why do Australian men cum so fast?
A. So they can race down the pub and tell their mates.
- Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A1. It's sad watching a grown man cry.
A2. It will cause him to come faster so bad sex is over sooner.
- Q: Why do men wear pants?
A: Did you ever see how bad they look in mini-skirts?
- Q: Why don't men have PMS?
A: What would be the point, they act like that all the time.
- Q. Why do men have dicks?
A. So they can play with something besides their Lego's
- Q. Why did God create man in his own image?
A. Misery loves company.
- Q. What's a man's idea of a romatic gift that is also practical?
A. A toaster that glows in the dark.
- Q. They say that men only care about sex. That's not exactly true. They also care a lot about:
(a) power and world domination,
(b) money,
(c) beer.
- Q. What is a man's worst nightmare?
(a) the SuperBowl is pre-empted by a soap opera,
(b) his wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to do it,
(c) a female boss,
(d) he has to ask his wife for money.
- If a man talks in the forest and there is no woman to hear, is he still wrong? (Submitted by Jean)
- A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted. (Submitted by Deanna)
- Husbands never become good, they merely become proficient. (Submitted by Deanna)
- I like my men like I like my pizza:
12 inches and uncut. (Submitted by Gary)
- How many men jokes are there?
None, they're all true. (Submitted by Deb)
- What's the difference between men and algae?
Nothing, they're both scum. (Submitted by Deb)
- Q. What do you call three men at the bottom of a lake?
A. A start. (Submitted by Jane)
- Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them real thin. (Submitted by Jane)
- How can you tell if a man is getting old?
It ain't hard! (Submitted by Eileen)
- It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says 'You know, you're really a lousy lover.'
To which the husband replies 'How can you tell after only 30 seconds?'
- What's the difference between a man and a yoghurt?
A yoghurt has culture.
- Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So they can think with an open mind.
- Q: What's the most useful part of a man?
A: A wallet.
- Q: How can you tell that God is a woman?
A: If God were a man, he would have put the balls on the inside.
- Why do men float?
Because they are scum
- Your old man and your dog are both at the front door barking.
Which one do you let in?
The dog, because he'll stop barking when he gets in.
- Q: What's the difference between a man and a woman?
A: A woman loves to eat out at her favorite restraunt, and a man wants to eat out without ever having to leave the house. (Submitted by bfitzger)
- man: why do men only think of sex all the time and women don't?
woman: because women can think of more than one thing at a time (Submitted by Dreamer23N)
- How is Antarctica and a women's clitoris alike?
Most men know it's down there, but most men don't care. (Submitted by Mary)
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