- How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.
- What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
- What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
- How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to do with it.
- What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
- What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
- When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and sharing. What does she get?
The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.
- What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.
- How can you tell if a man is a WASP?
He gets out of the shower to pee.
- What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look, donut seeds!"
- Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?
He wanted a foam mattress.
- Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock
- Why don't women have any brains?
Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.
- Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the best part.
- What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles!
- How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
- What's the difference between a man and a lawnmower?
Lawnmowers don't bitch after they cut the yard.
- What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A candlelit football stadium.
- Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
- What do men think the only difference is between Father's Day and those other 364 days?
The card.
- How do you confuse a man?
Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.
- Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do anything around the house, it's odd!
- Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
- Why did God make women so stupid?
Someone had to like men!
- Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions!
- What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them.
- What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
- Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 floppy!
- How are men like accessories?
If they don't compliment your wardrobe, shop for a new one.
- Why do men have pet names for their penises?
Because they don't like to take orders from a stranger.
- What do you call 6 naked men standing on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
- How do you know a boy has grown up to be a man?
1. You don't 'cause he never will.
2. He buys more expensive toys.
- What will your husband say if you, out of pure generousity, give five dollars to a bum?
Thanks honey, but I need ten.
- My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
- Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
- Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
- What are the three things a man over 40 should never forget?
1.Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
2.Never trust a fart.
3.Never take a hard-on for granted.
- Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
- He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
- Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
- A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.
That's why he dates someone half his age.
- Men would rather pledge allegiance to a flag than to a woman.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
- Close the door!
- Don't trust a man who says he's single and then picks you up in a Volvo Estate with a child seat in the back
- So many men so many reasons not to sleep with any of them!
- If they can put one man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
- Tell him you are not his type...
- You have a pulse.
- Wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.
- Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander ?
- It's too little to be let out alone.
- The only reason men are on the planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy the drinks.
- If he won't wear a condom, staple his willy at the end. That'll make him think. Sorta...
- Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
- If he clips his toenails over the living room floor, shave your armpits over his copy of "Classic Car".
- There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop
(unless they are used together)
- Three blondes run across a genie and he said that he would grant them each one wish. The first blonde wished to be 50% smarter. POOF! She's a brunette. The second one wished to be 25% smarter. POOF! She's a redhead. The third one wished to be 50% dumber. POOF! She's a blonde man!
- One day, God calls on Adam & says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time."
- When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
- I really didn't want to marry him for the money,
but I couldn't find any other way to get it.
- Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
- In a courtroom it takes 12 men to find out if a woman is innocent.
On a country lane in the moonlight, it takes only one.
- How do you get yourself a nice fur-coat?
Find a wolf and skin him.
- Did you hear about the guy who left his wife?
She gave birth to twins, and he didn't believe her when she said there was no other guy.
- Why is it impossible for a man to make Jell-o?
He can't figure out how to get two cups of water into that tiny package.
- Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
Because their balls show...
- Q:What do women do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
- What's a man's favourite wine?
'Why is he driving a Porsche?? I deserve it more...'
- What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a mans head?
A Space Invader
- How do you make your husband wake up with a smile on his face monday morning?
Tell him a joke friday night.
- I finally got my husband to do some gardening, but he broke his leg raking leaves.
He fell out of the tree...
- When does a man get hurt by your words?
When you hit him with the dictionary...
- Why are men lousy cooks?
1.) Because they don't know how to preheat before they put the meat in.
2.) Because every time the cookbook says "double the recipe" they try to heat the oven to 700 degrees.
- What does a man make best for dinner?
Reservations.
- What is the most intelligent thing a man can say?
.... yes dear. Submitted by TurtleVG
- Why do men have to wear jock straps?
So they don't get a headache. Submitted by Rita
- Give a man an inch and he thinks he's a ruler. Submitted by Gary
|
