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Q: What's the difference between a tampon and a cowboy hat?
A: Cowboy hats are for assholes.
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Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
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Q: When is it politically incorrect for a man to tell a woman she has nice hair?
A: When he is a midget
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Q: Why is a pebble in a man's shoe the most effective means of birth control?
A: Because it makes him limp.
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Q: Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
A: They take it the day after. It changes their blood type.
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If your wife tells you sex is a "pain in the ass," turn her over.
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Men make the larger sacrifice when they get married.
They generally give up doing their cleaning, their cooking, their grocery shopping and their laundry.
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Why do women love cats? They are independent, don't listen, don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they only want to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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Woman: "I got married so that I could have sex 3, 4 or 5 times a week."
Friend: "That's very ironic, that's exactly why I got divorced."
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Men are like economy.
Hair line is in recession, stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together causing deep depression
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A guy came home and showed his wife his new tattoo; the words "I Love You" on his penis.
To which the wife replied, "I don't care what you say, but don't try putting words in my mouth."
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"Is it true, Mom, that in some parts of Africa a woman doesn't know her husband until they get married?"
"It happens in every country, honey..."
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FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Husband knows everything.
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"How long has your boyfriend been wearing that earring?"
"Since I found it in our bed."
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My husband has only lived up to one of all the things he said before we were married;
He said he wasn't good enough for me.
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"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're lazy."
"Okay, Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Real Men never suffer from premature ejaculation
Their wives do.
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"Why do you have a 100 dollar bill tattooed on your pecker?"
"I Like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow and best of all, my wife can blow a $100 bucks without leaving the house"
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Is Minnie divorcing Mickey because he's crazy?
No, because he is fucking Goofy!
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What's white and sticky and found on the bathroom wall?
George Michael's latest release
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How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
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There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob.
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Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
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What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
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What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
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If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.
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Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
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What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
tell him checkbooks.
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Why did the guy bake a chicken for three and a half days?
Recipe said "cook for half an hour per pound" and he weighed 175.
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Men are like frypans,
if you remove the handle, theyr'e not useful anymore.
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How can a woman marry a rich, gorgeous, sensitive and intelligent man?
Easy! She just has to marry four times.
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How are macho men like the letter Q?
They are both big zeros with little tails.
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Why do widows never suffer from hemorroids?
Because they have already lost their asshole.
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Why do women always choose men who are loud, sloppy, beer drinking jerks, spending most of their time watching sports?
Choose? Are there any other?
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Q: What did one leg say to the other?
A: Don't talk to the middle one he's a dick! Submitted by: Lance
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through the chest with a really sharp knife Submitted by: Natalie
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Why do men search for porn on the Internet?
It's easier to spell than educational. Submitted by: Mike J
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Did you hear about the man who saw the sign that said "Drink Canada Dry?"
He moved there. Submitted by: Sunnylove
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What do men and babies have in common?
You can't get either of them off of their mothers tit. Submitted by: Michael
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Guy "1: "I'm a YUPPIE...you know...Young, Urban,
Professional."
Guy #2: "I'm a DINK...you know...Double Income, No
Kids."
Woman: "I'm a WIFE...you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
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Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
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A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
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There are three times when a woman doesn't understand a man.
Before marriage, during marriage and after marriage.
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A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
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"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
(Conan O'Brien)
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The women in San Fransico are like a box of chocolates-
You never know which ones is gonna have nuts.
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Man, it may just be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others!
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Why does a man have his tail between his legs?
If it was further in the rear he would look like a real dog Submitted by: Giggles
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Q: How do you confuse a man?
A: Put in in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
Q: How does the man confuse you?
A: He comes back to tell you which corner he pissed in. Submitted by: FreeFaerie
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Men are like computers.
They do the exact opposite of what you tell them, then when you ask why, they reply with "I only followed your instructions" Submitted by: FreeFaerie
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Man has his wil.,
Woman has her yeah right! Submitted by: FreeFaerie
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Men are just boys with cramped hands Submitted by: FreeFaerie
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The Perfect man: a snowman.
He's cool, he has perfect porportions, his balls can be replaced if you kick them, and he knows how to use a broom.
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If god had intended women to chase men, he would have made them worth
catching. Submitted by: Laurie
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Q):What do you say to a kind, nice guy who knows how to make a woman smile?
A):so, how long have you known you were gay? Submitted by: Jeremiah
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What is the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.
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Man 1: I'm a light sleeper. I sleep with a light on.
Man 2: Yeah, well then I'm certainly a hard sleeper...
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Don't put your hands down his pants unless you want to feel nuts.
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What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.
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Did you know that in the USA alone there are over 1/2 million battered women?
Just think......All this time you've been eating them plain.
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Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
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How do you know a man has a bad vocabulary?
When he confuses "Monogamy' with 'Monotony". Submitted by: Heather
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Male species and rose bushes are the same.
Full of little pricks! Submitted by: MLT
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How do men define "light eating"?
When it gets light, they start eating.
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How does a man define "light drinking"?
He drinks unitl it gets light. Submitted by: Megan
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The most effective way men use to remember the wife's birthday: Forget it once.
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Marriage is very much like having lunch with a friend. You order what you want, then when you see what your friend has, you wish you had ordered that.
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When a woman steals your man, what better revenge is there than to let her keep him.
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Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe
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I like to wake up each morning feeling... a new man.
--Jean Harlow
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The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby
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Before marriage a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it
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One cannot always be laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty
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Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last
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