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There is no such thing as confirmed bachelors up to the age of fifty-two -
only obstinate ones Submitted by: Joy
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Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table Submitted by: Joy
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Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion Submitted by: Joy
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Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Submitted by: Joy
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Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Submitted by: Joy
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Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Submitted by: Joy
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Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. Submitted by: Joy
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Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. Submitted by: Joy
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Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. Submitted by: Joy
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Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Submitted by: Joy
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Why can't men have multiple orgasms?
Who cares? Submitted by: The Tookers
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How do you fit three gay men on a bar stool?
Flip it upside down Submitted by: JYoung
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On Bondai Beach, Aus:
Bruce: G'day Sheila, Wanna Fuck?
Sheila: No thanks Bruce.
Bruce: Well would you mind lying there while I have one? Submitted by: Paul
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Why are sportscars like hemorrhoids?
Most assholes get them sooner or later Submitted by: Catherine
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What is the only thing men can keep up for a week?
- The toilet seat. Submitted by: Cristina
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A man was not able to get any sex for six months and was feeling very depressed.
Then he met a man with no hands. Submitted by: EXPMTR
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What are four pieces of paper for a man?
A puzzle.
what are 8 pieces of paper for a man?
Duh..duh...duh.duh......mission impossible! Submitted by: syssou
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If the world were a logical place
- men would ride side saddle Submitted by: Erica
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what is a difference between a rope and a short skirt?
A rope can pull one donkey...
A short skirt can pull 100 donkeys... Submitted by: anoria
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Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
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What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.
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What do gay men refer to haemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps.
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What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.
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Q. How do you give a man the best orgasm of his life?
A. Who Cares Submitted by: shaun
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Why don'T men want to be a quarter-back?
They want to buy 5 gums for themselves Submitted by: Patty
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Men are like dicks. Some just wrinklier than others. Submitted by: Patty
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I want peace, love... and a hard cock Submitted by: Misty
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Behind every great man is a woman with a vibrator Submitted by: Emily
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Why do women make better soldiers than men?
Because they can bleed for a week and still not die Submitted by: Allistair
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Why are blonde jokes so simple to understand?
So men can understand them. Submitted by: Alan
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Why are women always stuck raising the kids?
The men are always too drunk. Submitted by: Sheryl
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Q: What's yellow and looks good on a man?
A: A JCB! (road digger) Submitted by: Theresa
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Woman: "Do you know
where I can get six black hens?"
Friend: "Six black hens! why do you want
six black hens?
Woman: "Because my husband's got a dead cock and I want to
use them as pall bearers!"
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Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumsicion?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
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Men are like beer -
The first sip is always bitter.
No matter how many varieties you try, they are essentially the same; tasteless, full of bubbles, destabilize your metabolism and give you a headache, but somehow they linger and you either can't finish one or you can't get enough.
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Scientist have finally discovered the chemical formula for Viagra,
1% Sodium
1% Iron
1% Phosphate
97% Fix-a-Flat Submitted by: Kathy
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Him: "You don't deserve a man like me."
Her: "I don't deserve arthritis either, but I got that."
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Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: **Cough** *gag* *choke*...
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Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.
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Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Man: "Uh, but I only have capital letters on my keyboard..."
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When a man sees a naked woman, he can't control his desire.
When a woman see a naked man, she can't control her hysterical
laughter!! Submitted by: Erin
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How are men like slinkies?
You don't get much use out of either of them, but it makes you laugh to see one tumble down the stairs. Submitted by: Veronica
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When you grow old
And your balls grow cold
And the tip of your dick turns blue
and you fiddle and diddle
And it bends in the middle
You're through you bastard
You're through! Submitted by: Jennifer A
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Q: Why did the man walk around with his fly open?
A: In case he needed to count to eleven.
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Women rule
Men drool
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What's one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job?
The view.
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What's the difference between hard and dark?
It stays dark all night.
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How are men and mushrooms alike?
You can keep them in the dark, feed them lots of bullshit and they keep growing.
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Did you hear about the pro football player who was so stupid that he
wouldn't sign his contract unless he got Sundays off?
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Did you hear about the two dumb men who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds of ice, but drowned when they tried to cook it.
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Then there's the jigsaw puzzle for men. It only has one piece.
And most of the time, it's missing
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How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
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Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
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What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"
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How des a man piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking a finger in his honey.
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Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Real cowboys always eat with their hats on.
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What's the the male definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
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What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
"Nice Dick!"
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What's the male definition of eternity?
The length of time between when HE comes and SHE leaves.
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How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?
You have to chew before swallowing.
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What's the male definition of indefinitely?
When his balls are slapping up against your ass, he knows he is in....definitely!
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Why is it confusing to be married to a Chinese man?
When he asks for a 69, he probably wants beef and broccoli.
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My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call.
He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?"
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How do you define a transvestite?
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
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Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
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Why do men like to compare the military to a blowjob?
The closer he gets to discharge, the better he feels.
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What's his ultimate in rejection?
When he's masturbating and his hand falls asleep.
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What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.
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What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
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What has a little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
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The doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes
and then send the bill to her husband.
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Every woman should have a hobby, but make sure your husband doesn't know about him.
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What happened when us women stood up for our rights?
We lost our seats on the bus.....
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Adam to Eve: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!"
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Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute
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