- Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.
- What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to say, "No."
- How can you tell if you're dating a really dumb man?
The waiter says, "Here boy" before putting down his food.
- How can you tell if you're dating a really dumb man?
He tries to decide which wine does best with beer.
- A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
So she gets a divorce.
- Q: How do you make male archaeologist blush?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it is from.
- What do you call a huddle in football?
A dope ring.
- What's the one advantage of being a dumb man?
You never miss any important phone calls because you're in the tub.
- Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.
- He fell in love with a woman on second sight.
The first time he saw her he didn't know she was rich.
- Why are men not welcome to the welfare office?
They always want to know how to cook food stamps.
- How did Eve know the Adam was cheating on her?
He started bathing twice a week.
- What's the worst thing about the glass ceiling?
Women always get to clean it.
- "How often do these planes crash?" the man asked a woman sitting
next to him on a flight.
"Once," she answered.
- How come most men don't go elephant hunting?
They get too tired carrying the decoys.
- He is so dumb, he thinks a pole vault is in a bank in Warsaw.
- The police woman asked the lady why she didn't report the robbery right
away.
"I didn't know it was a robbery right away. It looked like my husband
had been looking for a clean shirt."
- He got a varsity letter in college. He wanted to know its name.
- I don't know where men learn to eat.
On more than one occasion I've had to explain to them what a tablecloth
is. I've also had to tell them, that when they hit it, it's it's time to stop eating
- Two men went hunting.
They saw a sign that said "Bear left" so they went home.
- Marriage certificate?
It's just another name for her work permit.
- Women don't know happiness until they get married...
And then it's too late.
- A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking.
The wife gives and the husband takes.
- When a newly married woman smiles, all know why,
but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
- Q. If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?
- Why did the man cross the road?
Because the bikini models were on the other side. Submitted by Fradycat
- I believe that there is a spot in everyone's head that allows them to make
the right decisions.
Men don't have it. In place of that spot, God filled it with puss to prevent their heads from tipping to one side. Submitted by desmone
- Q. What is the difference between a cow's tail and a man's tie?
A. The cow's tail covers the whole asshole. Submitted by Elsie
- Love is just a chapter in a man's life and in women's, the whole book. Submitted by sandeep saini
- Why do husbands suddenly start criticizing and complaining about the way you look?
They probably notice you for the first time! Submitted by sandeep saini
- A wife said to her husband, "why don't we try a new position?"
The husband responded, "I like the TV right where it is" Submitted by KIMBERLY
- Men don't care what's on TV
Men only care what else is on TV (Seinfeld)
- What is the difference between a chocolate bar and a man?
You only need to put the choccy in the fridge to keep hard Submitted by andrea
- How do you make a real man feel special?
Show up naked.
With beer. Submitted by Sean
- Do you know why woman was called woman?
Because when man saw her, he said,"WOOMAN!" Submitted by Gordy
- What did god said after creating Adam?
Hey, what do you want? Itīs just a Beta-Version.. Submitted by sina
- Two men are watching a dog licks his balls, says one: Don't you wish you
could do that?
The other man replies: yes, but should'nt I ask him first? Submitted by L.J.L
- How do you scare a man ?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
- Men are like guns.
Keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
- Men brag there are women waiting by the phone for their call Who are these women ?
Women working at 900 numbers
- What's the worst part of getting a sex change from female to male?
When they remove half the brain.
- Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for most men ?
No phone numbers
- Man: I date this girl for two years only,
and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
- What's the biggest difference between men and women ?
Men are crabby all month long
- "It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I will never forget that game of cards..."
- You can pretty much tell how healthy a man is of any age by watching what he takes two of at a time
- pills, beers or stairs.
- My ex-husband and I have our alimony set up on the easy payment plan.
He makes the payment and I take it easy.
- Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public.
They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
- Woman: "I got a set of golf clubs for my husband"
Friend: "GREAT trade!"
- How can you tell if a man is a Male Chauvinist Pig?
He thinks "harass" is two words
- Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I've never been before.
Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?
- Men don't get cellulite.
Most women believe for that reason alone, God might just be a male.
- A man can actually cater to a woman's every need,
so long as all that she wants is to have sex, watch sports, and bring him a beer.
- Men lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs, and say they want a "real woman"...
- Why do men die before their wives? They should.
- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a mans sex drive by 90
percent....
Wedding cake!!!
- Man: Great idea, bad design.
- Why are hangovers better than men? Hangovers will go away.
- My husband and I are inseparable. In fact, last week, it took four State Troopers and a dog.
- Did you really throw your husband out on the street naked, for taking a bath with bubbles?
Yes I did, and I threw Bubbles out too.
- Bigamy is having one husband too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
- "I'd like my husband to be handsome, well-behaved, smart, and rich,"
"O, well, then you'll have to get married 4 times"
- The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.
- Each day men try to enjoy something from each of the four food
groups:
the brewed beverages group,
the grease-dripping-down-my-elbows-fastfood group,
the caffeine group,
and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-foil-I-found-in
-the-freezer-microwaveable" group.
- I told him "Try a little kindness" and he did...
As little as possible.
- Men are like small children.
You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it.
- This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a
blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting him stay over.
- A man's best friend is his dog.
That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and
drools on your newspaper.
- If they lined up all the men in the world...
it would be one goofy line.
- Men are like buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.
- Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic
on TV.
So I put my boyfriend there.
- Men are like roller coasters:
when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't...
you can't wait to throw up.
- Q. Why are men like chocolate candies?
A. They look good on the outside but once it gets inside you, it's either too small, gross, or stuck to the top. Submitted by Pete & Sherene
- What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A man who told too many blonde jokes. Submitted by Laura
- Why do bald guy's have holes in their pockets?
So they can run their fingers through their hair. Submitted by Hans
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