Men - A manual

• Avoid models that stall during use.
• Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
• Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
• Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when it's not home.
• Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
• Ensure there are no financial agreements left with any previous owners.
• Check for pulling attachments.
• Security: never chose a flashy model or else Joy riders might get their hands on it.
• If necessary, fit an alarm.
• Always clean or replace upholstry and fabric before taking it out for the first time.
• Take it for a good thrash around.
• Are you allowed to take passengers with this model? Is it child safe?
• Make sure this model is not making noises or smell badly.
• Watch out for nasty emissions.
• Keep all leather accessories in order.
• If necessary, fit a silencer, especially for nighttime use. Or use the choke and throttle properly.
• For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
• Check the ball bearings. If necessary, grease.
• Check chassis before use - are there bulges or scratches? Watch out, they might be a warning. The model might not be safe.
• Make sure rubber areas are intact. Check for blisters.
• Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
• NEVER let your friends have a go.
• Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.
• Avoid taking it to the pub. You'll end up pushing it back home or picking it up the next day in a rather disgusting condition.
• Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to pause and restart.
• It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with the stick in your hand.
• With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid forcing the stick into it's reverse position whilst in motion.
• It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.
• German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.
• Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.
• American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.
• Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.
• Swedish models are usually very versatile.
• Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.
• French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.
• Avoid models that are a too small for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more equipment than needed.
• Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they don't take kindly to stopping.
• Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.
• The old ones will have a smell you will never get rid of.
• It is unwise to take your mother's/sister's/friend's out without permission.
• Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.
• It is NEVER advisable to own a 'wide load' model.
• Replace every year with a newer model.