Guide to 'the bases'

 Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?  If so,
 do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?  "Yeah
 man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second
 base!"  Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
 base?  Tongue kissing?  Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also,
 the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older.
 What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball
 analogies to describe sexual activity.  But let's face it, there are
 more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play.  So, in the
 interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the
 complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we
 present the Standardized Guide to the Bases.
 
 First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the
 old days.
 
                       -- First Base--
 This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it
 meant holding hands.  Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes
 not.

                       --Second Base--
 This meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the
 clothes genital contact.

                        --Third Base--
 Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

                        --Home Run--
 This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times
 when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
 
 
 Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a
 repressed sex drive.  But what happens when you reach maturity and
 new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex?  And what about the
 exact definitions?  Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling
 questions and present without further ado...
 
  Standardized Guide to the Bases!
 --On Deck--
 Having plans for a date
 
  --Strike-Out--
 Duh!!
 
  --Walk--
 Kissing

 --Broken Bat--
 Impotency (Sometimes known as whiskey dick)
 
  --Bunt--
 Masturbation
 
  --Single--
 Tongue kissing
 
  --Double--
 Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
 
  --Triple--
 Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
 
  --Inside the park home run--
 Oral Sex
 
  --Home Run--
 SEX!
 
  --Ground Rule Double--
 would have had sex, but had no condom
 
  --Error--
 Condom breaks during sex
 
  --Hall of Fame--
 Marriage
 
 Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
 better explain all the things that can happen now-a-days.
 
--Balk--  Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar--  KY jelly
--Warning Track--  NO!!
--Relief pitcher--  Vibrator
 --Rain Delay--  parents/roommate/housemate return home unexpectedly
 --Box Seats--  Waterbed
 --Seventh Inning Stretch--  Unusual positions
 --Rookie--  Virgin
 --MVP--  Tongue
 --Bush League--  Only interested in missionary position
 --Peanuts and Popcorn-- No explanation necessary
 --Pepper-- Just practicing for the real thing
 --Oldtimer-- Can't run the bases any longer
 --Center Field-- The G-Spot
 --Short Stop-- premature ejaculation
 --Left Field-- Insensitive partner
 --Minor Leagues--  Under 18
 --Bull Pen-- Other boyfriends/girlfriends
 --DugOut-- The Bathroom
 --Umpire-- The woman
 --Full Count-- Relax - Don't do it
 --Double A-- He or she was drunk
 --Manager visits the Mound-- Hmmm...
 --Home Plate-- Center of the action
 --Bases Loaded--  manage a trois
 --Grand Slam--  Sex four times in twelve hours
 --Foul tip--  VD
 --Foul pole-- Small manhood
 --Foul balls-- No load
 --Three up and three down--  impotency
 --Upper Deck-- felt and sounded good, but partner 
insisted on turning off the lights
 
 Example of using the new lingo:
 
So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch so she had to call in a
relief pitcher.  The relief pitcher went to a full count and failed...
He was sent to Double A and the bull pen was called in.  The
manager had to visit the mound several times before the game
was over.