Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone
 by Matt Groening (The Simpsons' originator)

 RELATIONSHIPS:
 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
 her  girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
 idiots".
 Then she will get on with her life.

 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
 break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Sat. night, he he'll call and say, "I just
 wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, 
 and I hate you, and you're a  total floozy. But I want you to know that 
 there's always a chance for us." 
 This is known as the "I Hate You I Love You" drunken phone call,
 and 99% of all men have made it at least once.   
 There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over 
 this need.

 MATURITY:
 Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year old females can
 function as adults.  Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball
 cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
 school romances rarely work out.

 MAGAZINES:
 Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
 magazines often feature pictures of naked women.  This is because the
 female body is a beautiful work of art,  while the male body is lumpy
 and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.  
 Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked 
 men elicit laughter from women.

 BATHROOMS:
 A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving  cream,
 razor,  a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.   The
 average  number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
  A man  would not  be able to identify most of these items.

 GROCERIES:
 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
 store and buys these things.  A man waits till the only items left 
 in his fridge are  half a lime and a beer.  Then he goes grocery 
 shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches  
 the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's 
 car on Beverly Hillbillies.
 Of course, this will not stop him from going  to the 10-items-or-less
 lane.

 CATS:
 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women  aren't
 looking, men kick cats.

 OFFSPRING:
 Children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
 dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best 
 friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 DRESSING UP:
 A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
 garbage,answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will 
 dress up for:
 weddings,
 funerals.

 LAUNDRY:
 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
 of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
 eight years  ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally 
 out of clothes, he will  wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a 
 U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  
 Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is 
 a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American sitcoms.

 EATING OUT:
 When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20
 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them will have
 anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. 
 When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

 MIRRORS:
 Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
 ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
 surface:  mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

 MENOPAUSE:
 When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
 complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
 nature  and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
 Menopause in a  man provokes a uniform reaction-- he buys aviator
 glasses, a snazzy  French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
 shopping for a Porsche.

 RICHARD GERE:
 Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men
 hate  Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
 at the  health club and dates only married women.

 MADONNA:
 Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.

 TOYS:
 Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of
 11 or 12, they lose interest.   Men never grow out of their obsession
 with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive  
 and silly and impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature 
 TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and  blenders.  Graphic equalizers.
 Small robots that serve cocktails  on command.  Video games.  Anything
 that blinks, beeps, and  requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

 LOCKER ROOMS:
 In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
 women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well
 as hey think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk
 about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract terms, either.  They
 are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

 MOVIES:
 Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
 This is because a man has produced every movie in the history of movies.  
 Men will only show their asses, because ass size doesn't really  matter.

 JEWELRY:
 Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with
 wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a
 lounge singer named Ramone.

 TIME:
 When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
 she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game
 just has five minutes left.  Neither of them is counting timeouts,
 commercials, or replays.

 FRIENDS:
 Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.  Men on a boy's
 night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are  
 "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

 RESTROOMS:
 Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms
 as social lounges.  Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each
 other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like
 old friends.
 And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a
 restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just  about to take a leak. 
 Do you want to join me?"