Saying Goodbye the 90s Way
Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the
dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over
is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week."
But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's
affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw
things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail. That's how all
the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy.
You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel
from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without
ever reading it.
What could be more painless?
Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they
need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably
aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of
well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please
allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the
competition:
(men will check those that apply)
_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay
for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic
economics.
______ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the
truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the
position.
______ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about
yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
______ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
______ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after
I opened the passenger side door for you.
______ My breasts are bigger than yours.
______ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.
______ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this
small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
______ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and
danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable
and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
______ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to
shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows
compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
______ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me,
your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so
it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
______ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Your name)
The Female Response
by Karen Rodrigues of Austraila
Reponse to "Saying Goodbye the 90's Way"
Dear --
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
further contention to even being in the same room as me.
Even in a field limited to warm-blooded semi-sentient beings,
you failed to make the final cut. In order to make things easier
and more clear-cut for you, please note that all your personal
details have been shredded and the result is being used
to mulch the vegetable patch at the local Retirement Village.
So that you may find better success in any future romantic
endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reasons you
were disqualified from the competition.
[Check one or more]
[ ] Your comment that "you earn enough, you can pay for this one"
displayed a stunning ignorance of both basic economics,
manners and common-sense.
[ ] Your inadvertent admission that your favourite past-time consists
of drinking beer and drive-by brown-eyes indicates that you
are grossly under-qualified for any position associated with
human interaction.
[ ] You failed the 20-question rule; i.e. I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
[ ] The only question you *did* ask regarded my gag response.
[ ] You neglected to introduce me to an obvious group of your friends
we met outside the restaurant and proceeded to talk about the
last time you projectile vomited. This indicates lack of
sensitivity of circumstance.
[ ] Your breasts are bigger than mine.
[ ] Your belly is bigger than your breasts.
[ ] When dressed in shorts, your bum-crack shows (Brit-Speak for Rear).
[ ] The condition of your skin is suspect. If you ever get to the stage
where you do not single-handedly supply a manufacturer of
mayonnaise and condiments, feel free to join the human race.
[ ] Your repeated comments such as "Boy, my doberman's got bigger breasts
than you!" and "I don't buy you drinks to hear you think" were
both uncalled for and thoughtless.
[ ] The way you enthusiastically jumped onstage at the alternative bar,
danced with the pre-operative trans-sexuals and proceeded to try
and tongue-kiss several demonstrated that you are far too
impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of discrimination.
[ ] Your revelation that you would most certainly allow any/all of your
ex-girlfriends to shack up with you again as long as they bought
you beer, paid the rent, and dispensed recreational pharmaceuticals
freely shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you
seriously.
[ ] Your inability to sustain an erection, your falling asleep in the
middle of sex, urinating out of the bedroom window and suggestions
that we invite a "coupla dykes" over to perform coitus in front
of you seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
[ ] A brain-damaged orangutan is out of your league; I suggest you start
with mammals lower on the evolutionary ladder.
Yours in constructive criticism,
*****
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