The worst gifts a man can buy a woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something
that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a
blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they
advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of
you, anything in a informercial. The only appliance allowed is
a vibrator with all of the various speeds, slow, medium, and
who needs a man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine
with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast
when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up
smiling the rest of the day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of
Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a
while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet
bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have
faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about
what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had
the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set
of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against
you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a
"night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her.
"Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I
bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling
a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking
she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you
probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with
a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character
nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the
sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her
something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your
girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet,
which actually smells like the bathroom, a $10 whore, or your
dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the
brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping
Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off
that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with
it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a
good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you
always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry
and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she
decides to show them off to your buddies.)
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute
you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you
might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me,
she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and
mumbling under her breath, "where the hell would I ever wear
this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional
hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your
golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of
the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that's like
wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight
Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who
have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look
fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it
and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent
treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would
actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring
a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated
into getting fit. She'll certainly get a workout stretching to
the oldies while stuffing dollar bills in his g-string. I'm not
sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a
book on "How not to be a Bitch Sunday through Saturday." These
are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for
seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand
up in court of law.
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