Male Fashion Rules
We are born into this world naked. I don't like to use
the word "nude" because it rhymes with "lewd" and whenever those two words get
together it's always a good time, but I end up over at The Women's Hospital with
a stopwatch.
I write here not to advocate a return to nakedness, but to
provide a service to the women of Guilford County. I will explain, in laywoman's
terms, the previously unwritten rules men follow in matters of fashion. I hope
to expand this column into a best-selling book, "Men are from Rolane, Women are
from Montaldo's" Enough introduction, let's proceed to
The
Rules
A man must never buy pants with the word "bottom" in the name, such as
"Cavernous Bottom", "Bulbous Bottom", "Bottomless Bottom" or "My Goodness, is
that your Bottom?" jeans.
Before purchasing any item of clothing, a man must raise his right hand
and repeat aloud the following somber pledge: "I [your name here] do solemnly
swear that [clothes item here] does not make me look like Travolta from Saturday
Night Fever, Grease or Urban Cowboy. So help me, John."
A man must walk out of the store if a clerk makes reference at any time
to his crotch, particularly the dreaded comment/accusation "it's a little roomy
in the crotch there, isn't it sir?" As for the unexpected reverse crotch fabric
yank and tuck maneuver executed at many finer men's stores, you can expect to
hear from our lawyers.
A man must show no hint of style or flair and strive at all times to
approximate Stalin-era work camp garb. To help resist the urge to improvise,
simply recall those 70's shirts with French street scenes, long beagle dog
collars, and absolutely no natural fibers. These were once thought to be
stylish. Men might still be wearing them today, were it not for OSHA's landmark
ruling that they were simply too flammable for public use.
A man must never purchase clothes with visible writing, unless it is
related to sports or Bart Simpson. This is especially true of Euro-sounding
phrases like "Chunnel Boy" or sissified concoctions such as "Mummsy's Yacht
Club".
A man must never independently spend more than twenty dollars on any
item of clothing. Suits, and other big-ticket items are covered in Appendix A:
"Asking Mom for Help";
One item per category. If you are shopping with your mate and she
suggests "these slacks are nice," the proper response is "I already *have* a
pair of pants. When your one item is no longer wearable, rise from the dinner
table and announce with feeling "My shirt is dead. I need a new one."
If
I can help just one woman understand why her man wore a Bart "Don't Have A Cow,
Man" T-Shirt to her volunteer awards banquet, then my work is done. The above is
necessarily an abbreviated version of The Rules, meant to whet your appetitite
for the unabridged book, tapes, informercials and seminars. Until then, "Look
Sharp -- Be Sharp!"
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