The Complete Collection of Men Jokes


Quotes; Famous People

WORDS FROM FAMOUS PEOPLE

  • None of you (men) ask for anything--except everything, but only so long as you need it.(Doris Lessing)

  • Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. (--Zsa Zsa Gabor)

  • There is so little difference between husbands, you might as well keep the first. (Adela Rogers St John)

  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.(Agatha Christie)

  • If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice. Husbands, due to an unknown quirk of the universe, never hear you the first time. (Estelle Getty)

  • Before marriage a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it. (Helen Rowland)

  • Fortune does not change men. It unmasks them. (Suzanne Necker)

  • Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember all men are strange as hell. (Robin Morgan)

  • Beware of the man who praises women's liberation; he is about to quit his job. (Erica Jong)

  • A man in love is incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

  • Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.(Jean Kerr)

  • I married beneath me--all women do. (Lady Nancy Astor)

  • A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve is extracted.(Dorothy Parker or Helen Rowland ?)

    The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing--and then marry him. (Cher)

  • Don't marry a man to reform him--that's what reform schools are for.(Mae West)

  • It is always incomprehensible to a man that a woman refuse an offer of marriage. (Jane Austen)

  • Men, being conditioned badly, are always feeling nooses closing around their necks, even dumpy boors no girl would take on a bet. (Cynthia Heimel)

  • I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget. (Adela Rogers St John)

  • It is ridiculous to think that you can spend your entire life with just one person. Three is about the right number. Yes, I imagine three husbands would do it. (Clare Boothe Luce)

  • I never married because I have three pets at home that serve the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls in the morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.(Marie Corelli)

  • No nice men are good at getting taxis.(Katharine Whitehorn)

  • Men make love more intensely at 20, but make love better, however, at 30. (Catherine II of Russia)

  • I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. (Jean Harlow)

  • Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? (Rita Rudner)

  • Latins are tenderly enthusiastic. In Brazil they throw flowers at you. In Argentina, they throw themselves.(Marlene Dietrich)

  • A gentleman is a patient wolf. (Henriett Tiarks)

  • If you talk about yourself, he'll think you're boring. If you talk about others, he'll think you're a gossip. If you talk about him, he'll think you're a brilliant conversationalist. (Linda Sunshine)

  • One cannot always be laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty. (Jane Austen)

  • I like men to behave like men--strong and childish. (Francoise Sagan)

  • Probably the only place a man can really feel secure is a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release.(Germaine Greer)

  • A man's home may seem to be his castle from the outside; inside, it is more often his nursery.(Clare Boothe Luce)

  • As long as you know that most men are like children, you know everything. (Coco Chanel)

  • If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. (Mary Wilson Little)

  • Being a bachelor is the first requisite of a man who wishes to form the perfect household. (Beverly Nichols)

  • One of the things being in politics has taught me is that men are not a reasoned or reasonable sex. (Margaret Thatcher)

  • Whatever women do they must do twice as well to be thought of as half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

  • Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible. (Margaret Mead)

  • There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. (Helen Rowland) I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid. (Dorothy Parker)

  • If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children" --they leave skid marks. (Rita Rudner)

  • A girl has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. (Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings)

  • A girl can wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have fun with all the wrong ones. (Cher)

  • I think, therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)

  • Men get laid, but women get screwed. (Quentin Crisp)

  • When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. (Frederick Ryder)

  • Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. (Billy Crystal)

  • I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? (Beverly Mickins)

  • Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you. (Mrs. Patrick Campbell)

  • His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. (Mae West)

  • Eventually, all men come out of the bathroom dressed as a majorette. (Ernestyne White)

  • A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. (Sanskrit proverb)

  • Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. (Marion Smith)

  • There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." (Jerry Seinfeld)

  • Success has made failures of many men.(Cindy Adams)

  • We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation. (Jane Wagner)

  • March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion, out like a lamb. (Anonymous celebrity)

  • You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate. (Carrie Snow)

  • A woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition. (Unknown)

  • Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last. (Remy de Gourmant)

  • A woman needs to know but one man well to understand all men; whereas, a man may know all women and not understand one of them. (Helen Rowland)

  • Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. (Lyndon B. Johnson)

  • Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable? (Carrie Snow)

  • Getting along with men isn't what's truly important. The vital knowledge is how to get along with a man. One man. (Phyllis McGinley)

  • "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." (Elayne Boosler)

  • "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." (Maryon Pearson)

  • "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." (Bella Abzug)

    The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.(Madame de Stael)

  • "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." (Katharine Hepburn)

  • "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." (Margaret Thatcher)

  • "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." (Baroness Edith Summerskill)

  • Any woman can fool a man if she wants to and if he's in love with her.(Agatha Christie)

  • Women speak because they wish to speak; whereas, a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself--like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. (Jean Kerr)

  • "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" (Linda Ellerbee)

  • "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." (Zsa Zsa Gabor)

  • Women are not men's equals in anything except responsibility. We are not their inferiors, either, or even their superiors. We are quite simply different races.(Phyllis McGinley)

  • A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless. A ll a woman has to do is put you on hold. (Marlo Thomas, actress)

  • A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. (Gloria Steinem, feminist and writer)

  • The thing women have got to learn is that no man gives you power. You just take it. (Roseanne Barr)

  • When choosing between two men, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. (Unkown, from Mae West saying the same about "evil")

  • Feminism - I myself have never known what feminism is. I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. (Rebecca West, The Clarion 1913)

  • I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. (Elaine Boosler, comedian)

  • Men and women, women and men. It will never work.(Erica Jong)

  • If the world were a logical place, men would ride side. (Rita Mae Brown, writer)

  • Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels. (Faith Whittlesey)

  • I have yet not been able to answer ... the great question that has never been answered : What does a woman want ? (Sigmund Freud)

  • Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton, 1896-1975)

  • I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on believing that some men are my equals. (Brigid Brophy)

  • Macho does not prove mucho.(Zsa Zsa Gabor)

  • A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump, like a doughnut. So first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho stuff they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego. (Roseanne Arnold)

  • My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer dahlias. (William Allen White, 1868-1944)

  • If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. (Erma Bombeck)

  • All men are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. (Ambrose Bilerce)

  • Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: Chances are he will not use it wisely. (Bette-Jane Raphael)

  • Never refer to any part of his body below the waist as "cute" or "little"; never expects him to do anything about birth control; never ask if he changes his sheets occasionally; never request that he sleep in the wet spot. (C. E. Crimmins)

  • The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything. (Theodore Roosevelt)

  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)

  • An empty man is full of himself. (Edward Abbey)

  • A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. (Du Bois)

  • Why be a man when you can be a success? (Bertold Brecht)

  • The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. (Jilly Cooper)

  • A man who has been the indisputable favourite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of a conqueror. (Sigmund Freud)

  • If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. (Haskins)

  • Love -- the quest, Marriage -- the conquest, Divorce -- the inquest. (Dorothy Parker)

  • Men are too emotional to vote. Their condict at baseball games and political conventions shows this, while their innate tendency to appeal to force renders them particularly unfit for the task of government ... Man's place is in the armory. (Alive Duer Miller)

  • In all systems of theology, the devil figures as a male person. (Don Herold)

  • Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. (Jayne Mansfield)

  • Man reaches the highest point of lovableness at 12 to 17--to get it back, in a second flowering, at the age of 70 to 90. (Isak Dinesen)

  • Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. (Rita Rudner)

  • Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. (Rita Rudner)

  • A man in the house is worth two in the street. (Mae West)

  • Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. (Mae West)

  • I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. (Mae West)

  • It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. (Mae West)

  • Men become old, but they never become good. (Oscar Wilde)

  • If it wasn't for women men would still be hanging from trees. (Marilyn Peterson)

  • Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive and in touch with their feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own. (Nora Ephron)

  • Man has his will - but woman has her way. (Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr)

  • Man is not made for defeat. (Spencer Tracy)

  • Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. (Mark Twain)

  • Man's greatest problem is man himself. (Billy Graham)

  • Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking. (L. Long)

  • Men are such idiots and I married their king. ("Peg Bundy")

  • Men are worth what you pay for them. (Lwaxana Troi)

  • Men argue, nature acts. (Voltaire)

  • The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. (Natalie Wood)

  • Men don't get smarter when they get older. (Claudette Colbert)

  • Men have become tools of their tools. (Thoreau)

  • Men often forget how sweetly most girls can sing. (Vonnegut)

  • Men willingly believe what they wish. (J.Caesar)

  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I also know that I'm not blonde. (Dolly Parton)

  • You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Erica Jong)

  • In passing, also, I would just like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on women. (Lady Nancy Astor)

  • I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. (Wendy Liebman)

  • If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)

  • I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. (Gloria Steinem)


    • Please Submit your best Men-joke!


    Index of Men Jokes

    The Guestbook

    Read & Post Messages in the BoardRoom  

    Top of page
    Page by © Helene
    Email    ICQ 2920825

    Click Here!!


    www.menjokes.com Privacy Policy