The Complete Collection of Men Jokes


Are you her dream man?

Ohhhh... what a MAN!


Are you her dream man?

HERE'S HOW THE SCORING WORKS

1) SIMPLE DUTIES
You offer to go out to buy groceries so she can watch 
"Friends" 0
While you are out, you decide to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat 
with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make 
conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the 
television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football 
in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and 
your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10

4:1) HER BIRTHDAY
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You are late from work and call her so she won't worry 0
You call to tell her you are late and that you love her +10
You call her to say you are late because you know if you don't, 
you'll sleep on the couch -10
You call to tell her that you slept at Wayne's -30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Detroit: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go to see a movie +15
it's not an with 6 car chases and 3 shootouts +25
and it's with one of the following actors: 
Michael Biehn/ Mel Gibson / Matthew Fox +30
Brad Pitt/ Keanu Reeves / Dennis Quaid / Val Kilmer +50
All of the above +500
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You ask for directions +20 (are you cheating? you aren't
really a guy, are you?)
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned
expression:+20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
television:+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

BONUS:  You forward her URL's of funny webpages with love notes 
attached: + 100




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