Man - A Chemical Analysis
| Element | Man |
|
Symbol | Ah (short for Asshole) |
| Quantitative | Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches. |
| Discoverer | Eve (discovered by accident one day when she
had a craving for ribs) |
| Occurrence | Following duel element Wo, often in high
concentration near perfect Wo specimen. |
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas,
soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic
and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with
extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after
reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive
nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from
deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with
polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding;
yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further
reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under
extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-
interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and
will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly
those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35
for favorable reaction style.
Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free
dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted
specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes
with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very
maleable under correct conditions.
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