Calorie counter

Calorie counter

Calorie counter (for sexual activities)
REMOVING CLOTHES:

With partners consent..........12 
Without partner’s consent.....187 

UNHOOKING BRA: 

Using two calm hands............7 
Using one trembling hand.......36 
Lifting partner................15 
Dragging partner on floor......16 

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: 

For normal healthy man..........2.5 
Losing erection................14 
Searching for it..............115 

PUTTING ON CONDOM: 

With erection...................1.5 
Without erection..............300 

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: 

If the women who does it is 
Experienced.....................6 
Inexperienced..................73 
If a man does it .............680 
(Add 5 calories for retrieving it from across the room.)
 
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: 

Bouncing........................7 
Sliding around..................9 
Serious skidding...............12 
Whiplash.......................27 

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: 

Shoes flew off.................35 
Expression didn’t change........1/2 
Orchestra swelled...............6 

BIRDS SANG 

Large birds.....................7 
Small birds.....................3 
Earth moved....................30 

PULLING OUT 

After orgasm....................1/2 
few moments before orgasm..500 
For women.......................3 
For men .......................72 
Sex on your lunch hour..........3 
Putting it on expense account..20 

AGGRAVATION: 

Partner insists on cuddling the dog 
during foreplay................14 
Partner visits bathroom for 7th 
time...........................10 
Partner taking phone calls......7 
Partner making phone calls.....40
 
GETTING CAUGHT:

By your partners spouse........60 
By your spouse................100 
Trying to explain..............55 
Trying to remain calm.........100 
Leaping out of bed.............75 
Getting dressed in one motion.500 
Thanking partner quickly........2