If Dear Abby Was A Man

  Dear Abby:

  Q: My fiancee' still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he 
  will not be faithful.

  A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase 
  with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your
  partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy 
  him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention 
  this aspect of his behavior.

  Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

  A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you.  He cannot get enough of you, so 
  he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, 
  this will bring all of the family together. Why not have some cousins get 
  involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your 
  relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and 
  don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

  Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

  A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a 
  spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a 
  great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you 
  to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely 
  painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank 
  him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

  Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

  A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with 
  it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to
  video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To 
  ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook 
  him a delicious meal.

  Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love. We have no time to 
  talk.

  A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest.
  In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and 
  the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, 
  expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

  Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

  A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he 
  cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves 
  you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him 
  a nice meal.

  Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

  A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love
  your man as much as you should. He has to work a lot to get you in the 
  mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by
  buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

  Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

  A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating 
  feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him
  and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present. And don't 
  forget to cook him a delicious meal.